Hi Anita,

I hope you are well. I am currently in a wave of anxiety and going through the motions as usual to try and calm it.

Since last week I have been feeling full of doubt (it was a family members birthday who has passed) and I had a difficult conversation with by brother about childhood on Saturday. I am aware that these themes have probably played a role in my current spike.

On Saturday I was quite cruel. We went for dinner and i barely spoke, I guess I was withdrawn because I wanted to see if ‘he could keep a convo because I am bored’. I realise this was mean behaviour and very dysfunctional. Also, telling him I was bored was cruel. I know I learned this cruelty from childhood so must try not to repeat it. I also cried with him on Saturday too, because I felt so horrible. I cried again on Tuesday I believe because I felt so overwhelmed with negative thoughts that I wanted to be close to him but struggled. But I knew I was changing the old pattern by just opening up to him. twice this week I have felt a pang of anxiety when I saw him and immediately thought that thsi was becasue I ‘wasn’t attracted to him.’ Once with him however I have felt calm and secure, and free to cry and explain how I dfeel. He has responded with overwhelming support. For that I felt so in love. Twice in the last week I have openly told him ‘I am very frightened and am not sure if we should just end this’. I am convinced this is me allowing fear to rule me rather than making a conscious decuision to stay in the present moment. I worry that this will hurt him. But he understands. \

Also, this week we are dogsitting for a friends  dog. We are both so happy as we love dogs. I cant help but wonder if this is healing an old wouind. My mother surprised me with a puppy when I was 17 (as a boy I had always wanted a dog) and she sold it in front of me two weeks later and told me ‘I couldve stopped her’. Since then I haven’t really dealt with that or really had an interest in dogs but the last year I have started to refind my love for them. I cant help but think that my partner is helping me to redicover the love that i have inside and that all of this is shedding wounds of old and allowing me to progress further. However, with that comes fear and doubt. He struggles to say the name of the dog and i feel that is ‘stupid and how can you forget so easy’. Then realise HEY why be so hard on anyone, who cares, mistakes are ok.

I am struggling to feel ‘in love’ this week, but also think that breaking up is not what’s necessary. Realistically, beneath everything I say here about the relationship is a whole well of dark memories and wounds.

Would love to hear your thoughts.