Anita

Yes I am angry at her. But also, as you once told me, we are used to living with minimum awareness. I had time in my life when I wanted to treat this anxiety and self harming habits with medications. It took months of my life of blaming myself and my condition. Doctors never helped me. I started realizing she is destroying me 2 years ago. Plans were she buys this flat for me, and she stays in the house with her partner but in reality she came here because maybe she realized it’s her flat, I don’t know.. And since that time I thought about living far from her but I also started to have problems with job and money (which is now starting to change for the better I hope).

Anita I fight with my condition for years now. I fight with my father being dead. Sometimes hundreds of days pass by only on counting how many hours I survived without destroying my face. I always blamed myself and my condition, my father a bit. But mostly myself, that’s what I was taught. Conversations with you opened my eyes and I know what I said earlier that I want to adapt to living here and try to not be affected by her is wrong because it’s not working.

You asked me if was there anger at her, yes there was since I remember. I remember I was 5 or 6 she yelled at me I thought “I hate you, I want you to be dead”. That’s how much anger I felt already when I was a child. But there were much worse things than just yelling.

Last week I told her that her partner bullied me, scared me and mocked me for years, and that after this I always picked on my face, and once after his yelling at me I made it bleeding so much I got scared.  She said she didn’t know. I don’t believe her, some of my friends knew and saw this on some occasions, she says she didn’t. Anyway she replied, (I texted her) “It’s my fault” “I was a monster to you”. Since then I noticed she almost never spends time at his house, she’s always here in her room. Also I told her I heard them talking how I disturb him by going everywhere with them, on vacations etc. Still I can’t believe she sacrificed me for being with such a bad person. I’m angry but I suppress this anger. I let it out on myself. I let this anger out by punishing myself, not on those who are responsible.  I always fought with this anger, I didn’t want to feel it because it tells me to hurt myself. You told me feeling anger is good because it tells you someone is dangerous and I need to stay away. But it works differently.