April 13, 2018 at 2:54 am #202177
I don’t believe I ever asked you this: did you ever live outside your mother’s place; did you ever lived in your own or with roommates but away from your mother (other than those visits to your father), that is in a place to which she did not have access?
anitaApril 13, 2018 at 8:52 am #202223AnonymousInactive
The only time was when in 2010 she and her partner renovated a house and she moved there, I planned too but he kept bullying me so I chose not to. I moved to the flat I live in now, I was renting at the time, then it was only one room so she couldn’t live here. The rent was more less 60 dollars so I had no problem with paying it. She did have access to it but she got busy living there. I lived here 2010-2015 till the day she bought this flat with second room and renovated it in 2015, made herself a room and started visiting more often 2 and a half years ago. Till now when she and him broke up or whatever happened and she stays there more often. So last 2 and a half years, especially last months she makes my life unpleasant.April 13, 2018 at 11:34 am #202239
I will ask in a different way: throughout your adult life, you never lived in a place where your mother didn’t live when she wanted to, that is, you never rented your own apartment to which she didn’t have a key to. You never rented a room in someone else’s house, to which she didn’t have a key to. You never lived in students’ housing, in a place with roommates, to which she didn’t have a key to?
In other words, wherever you lived, she had a key to the place, correct?
anitaApril 13, 2018 at 12:15 pm #202249AnonymousInactive
Yes that’s true.April 13, 2018 at 12:23 pm #202255
Your mother tortured you your whole life, and she had boyfriends who bullied you. Weren’t you angry with her, aren’t you angry with her?
Was there and is there anger at you, anger at her?
Was there and is there a desire in you to be free of her, to not have her in your life, a strong motivation to be free of her?
anitaApril 13, 2018 at 1:37 pm #202275AnonymousInactive
Yes I am angry at her. But also, as you once told me, we are used to living with minimum awareness. I had time in my life when I wanted to treat this anxiety and self harming habits with medications. It took months of my life of blaming myself and my condition. Doctors never helped me. I started realizing she is destroying me 2 years ago. Plans were she buys this flat for me, and she stays in the house with her partner but in reality she came here because maybe she realized it’s her flat, I don’t know.. And since that time I thought about living far from her but I also started to have problems with job and money (which is now starting to change for the better I hope).
Anita I fight with my condition for years now. I fight with my father being dead. Sometimes hundreds of days pass by only on counting how many hours I survived without destroying my face. I always blamed myself and my condition, my father a bit. But mostly myself, that’s what I was taught. Conversations with you opened my eyes and I know what I said earlier that I want to adapt to living here and try to not be affected by her is wrong because it’s not working.
You asked me if was there anger at her, yes there was since I remember. I remember I was 5 or 6 she yelled at me I thought “I hate you, I want you to be dead”. That’s how much anger I felt already when I was a child. But there were much worse things than just yelling.
Last week I told her that her partner bullied me, scared me and mocked me for years, and that after this I always picked on my face, and once after his yelling at me I made it bleeding so much I got scared. She said she didn’t know. I don’t believe her, some of my friends knew and saw this on some occasions, she says she didn’t. Anyway she replied, (I texted her) “It’s my fault” “I was a monster to you”. Since then I noticed she almost never spends time at his house, she’s always here in her room. Also I told her I heard them talking how I disturb him by going everywhere with them, on vacations etc. Still I can’t believe she sacrificed me for being with such a bad person. I’m angry but I suppress this anger. I let it out on myself. I let this anger out by punishing myself, not on those who are responsible. I always fought with this anger, I didn’t want to feel it because it tells me to hurt myself. You told me feeling anger is good because it tells you someone is dangerous and I need to stay away. But it works differently.April 13, 2018 at 1:55 pm #202281
What is it that is keeping you there?
The world is so big, oceans and continents, mountains, many thousands of cities and towns and places-in-the-middle-of-nowhere. And billions of people.
Why are you remaining in this one place, with this one woman and her boyfriend and that one person Tom.
Why not turn your back on these three people, and look in the direction of the rest of the world, find a place for yourself elsewhere, far away?
* Will be away from the computer for about fifteen hours or so. Would like to read your answer when I am back.
anitaApril 13, 2018 at 2:53 pm #202289AnonymousInactive
I thought I have nowhere to go. I was afraid about the money and that I won’t survive, although survival is the worst here. I moved 6 times in my life already. I thought this will be my home, as she promised me. I’m sad I like this place here and I have to run away because she literally casts me out and almost tells me to get out of her flat. I’m exhausted, this life is a torture for me.April 14, 2018 at 3:41 am #202327
You wrote above, “I moved 6 times in my life already”.
But you didn’t move a single time away from your mother, not a single time.
During the recent ten days that you didn’t post on the thread, I thought about you every day. It is clear to me this very morning, that at this point in time, there is absolutely nothing I can do for you, nothing I can do to help you.
It is clear to me that you need to move out and away from your mother. For as long as you remain under her abuse, under her influence, there is nothing I can do to help you.
A person has to remove themselves from an abusive situation, a lifetime abusive situation, before healing can start and continue.
I see no way for a person to engage in the healing process while living in a lifetime abusive situation.
You wrote earlier that it doesn’t make sense to spend money on rent, better own. I know this sound financial principle from a long time ago. But it makes way more sense to rent than it does to live in a rent- free lifetime abusive situation.
Therefore, for as long as you are living with your mother, exposed still to a lifetime of abuse, I will not respond further to your thread. If and when you have a specific plan to move and are acting on it, then I will be glad to communicate with you again.
It will not serve me well to … witness you suffering (“I am exhausted, this life is a torture for me”, your last words in the post above) when I know that there is absolutely nothing I can do to help you.
It may help you to just vent, to share how torturous life is for you. But I am not here to watch you being tortured, I don’t want to do that, to watch a person being tortured.
You can post again on this thread, or start a new thread. Other members may reply to you (more likely perhaps on a new thread, because the two of us make up most of this thread). Please do so if it helps.
Your life is… your life indeed. You have the right to make your own choices. I do not feel angry at you (I point this out because you expressed such concern in the past). I am not motivated by anger at you. I am motivated by a desire to not watch a person suffer when I am unable to do a single thing to help.
Best wishes to you, joanna.
anitaApril 14, 2018 at 7:30 am #202369AnonymousInactive
I understand. Thank you, Anita.April 14, 2018 at 7:38 am #202371
You are welcome, joanna.
anitaNovember 23, 2022 at 2:10 pm #410600JoannaParticipant
I wanted to thank you and apologize.
I am in a better place. What I needed to do is act, which I could not, for a long long time. But I did, and it started with you so for that I will be forever grateful – and for all the time you spent writing to me.
I apologize for the moments it was hard to communicate with me and was not respectful.
I wish you the best.
JoannaNovember 23, 2022 at 7:38 pm #410630
Is that you, Joanna? I am thrilled to read from you after all this time. I will reply further in the morning (in about 12 hours from now). I hope to read more from you anytime!
anitaNovember 24, 2022 at 10:50 am #410663JoannaParticipant
Anita, Yes. Thank you for kind response.November 24, 2022 at 12:54 pm #410667
I took some time reading your original post of Oct 15, 2017 (at age 31), and our most recent communication of April 2018. My goodness! In my last posts to you I was quite emotional. It was very difficult for me to endure reading about your tortured life with your mother, particularly because it reminded me of my tortured life with my mother. I didn’t have the emotional strength to keep reading about your life with her. In your yesterday post, more than 4 years and 7 months after your last post, you apologized, but you have nothing to apologize for: you didn’t wrong me and you were not disrespectful to me. I appreciate that you know though, that it was indeed hard for me to communicate with you at the time.
I think that I am stronger now, Joanna, and that I can read about your struggles again, no matter what your struggles are, including your struggles in regard to your mother. If it becomes too much for me, I will let you know and we can find a solution to it (maybe not talk about a particular topic). But for now: how is your diabetes, insomnia, other health problems? Any updates in regard to that guy Tom, your mother… ?