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Joanna

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  • #410846
    Joanna
    Participant

    I have read some of my last responses (it is very uncomfortable for me to read more), I also have some notes (Back then I was writing what she said to me, why she was angry, what I did because of that – smashed things in my room, hit my legs, arms, hurt my face etc) and videos from some of my worst moments (I have this app on my computer when I could just record video instantly, I sometimes felt the need to do it while crying, I wanted to have it so that I would know I was not crazy and it really happened). Now I can see how.. I once said “I feel like I am in a cage” – something like that, maybe not those exact words but I remember thinking it a lot and I wrote it here to you, Anita..  You replied then that I was not, in fact in a cage.

    It was simple but began my hope.

    Looking at those notes and videos I can see that, I could not leave this cage for a long time, I wanted but I could not. I wasted many many years before I started living.

    Thank you Anita, I read that you are reading the thread. I am ashamed of who I was then. I think I hurt a lot of people through the years. There was a lot of anger in me and I did not respect and appreciate people who were good. I feel sorry and ashamed. One thing I wish in my life to not be like my mother. To believe, to love and to not ruin other people.

     

    #410845
    Joanna
    Participant

    Anita, I did not and do not want to cause any distress or bring bad memories. I understand how exhausting it was for you.

    Thank you for asking about my life, you are very kind.

    I do not live with my mother since 2020 and I have not spoken to Tom since 2018, except when he texted me to apologize over a year ago.

    I live far from the city now. I found a job,  I got lucky with that. Some of my health problems are still there, some has worsened, but my mental health improved.

    I still have struggles but I am free of what was ruining me.  Maybe I will start a thread sometime in the future. I am trying to just live and make up for the lost time. There’s a lot of nature here, I love how the weather changes. I ride a bike a lot, I walk, observe birds, take pictures.

    It is so different from my previous life.

    How are you, Anita?

    #410663
    Joanna
    Participant

    Anita, Yes. Thank you for kind response.

    #410600
    Joanna
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    I wanted to thank you and apologize.

    I am in a better place.  What I needed to do is act, which I could not, for a long long time. But I did, and it started with you so for that I will be forever grateful – and for all the time you spent writing to me.

    I apologize for the moments it was hard to communicate with me and was not respectful.

    I wish you the best.

    Take care,

    Joanna

Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)