Forum Replies Created
February 6, 2023 at 8:07 am #415078
Can I ask why is that?
What can I do to still be in contact with you?February 1, 2023 at 4:34 am #414822
Anita, just to make sure: I saw the word “hardness” and immediately thought about my mother’s behavior (being insensitive etc) and things she, unfortunately, taught me. I did not intent to make it seem like it is one of your behaviors, as I see you as a kind and welcoming person.February 1, 2023 at 2:48 am #414821
Thank you for the note Anita. I hope you take rest and feel better 🙂January 31, 2023 at 1:52 pm #414799
It is now Monday 9:10 am here (I like Mondays). The sun is shining, doesn’t feel much like winter. It is Mon 6:10 pm your time, have a good evening, Joanna!
Thank you Anita 🙂 I am glad it doesn’t feel like winter where you live. I hope it stays that way!January 31, 2023 at 1:51 pm #414798
My mother mocking me, abusing me for so many years, created much anger in me, a hardness (lack of softness), great suspicion of people, focusing on the negatives in people’s words and behaviors. All these reactions to my mother’s abuse need to be further undone. I need to become Softer, and interestingly, Softer is Stronger.
This is my worst problem I think.. Since reading on bpd but also earlier, I knew I was focusing on negatives. I could be talking for someone for an hour and get stuck on some suspicious word, tone, whatever.. and obsess about it. Good I know it’s not real, I know I imagine this, but there were times I didn’t know that, not that long ago. I fear it may be never ending, I could fight it and it will sneak on me again.. But I focus on successes, even small ones, like you always say. I am aware of this and working on it.
Anita, could you elaborate on this one “hardness (lack of softness)”? Not sure I understand. Is it being too harsh, insensitive? I am thinking about my own behavior and that’s how I see it: me being sometimes too.. sarcastic maybe, not very nice. I noticed it when texting with someone when I start typing some answer right away and hesitate and delete because I think ” it’s not very nice”. That’s why I think my fear of offending people is sometimes justified.January 29, 2023 at 1:28 pm #414715
But when I took the initiative and washed dishes, she guilt-tripped and humiliated me anyway, complaining that I was making too much noise when washing the dishes, or wasting water, or leaving dirt on the dishes, and now she has to wash and rinse them anyway… There was no Winning with my mother, a no-win ongoing situation.
Same here. My mother used to mock me I was holding the vacuum cleaner wrong way (should be both hands!) and that I was not precise with washing up. There was a time it made me cry (around 13-14yo) but then I just..got numb and got used to the mocking I guess. As you said: no winning!
It is 10.30 PM where I live. 1:30 PM where you live. Have a good day Anita 🙂January 28, 2023 at 9:19 am #414547
CoNgRaTuLaTiOnS for these couple of times. A couple of times is an excellent beginning!
yet, my mother never did this simple thing, not a single time. I wish she did…
My mother too couldn’t ever … do this simple thing. Perhaps that would mean giving up the role of victim and guilt-tripping the other person (among other reasons). I guess it’s too tempting.
by saying this, you are encouraging me to pay more attention to the mood and atmosphere I create- or add to- in other threads, with other members. Thank you!
Your welcome 🙂
feel a bit sorry for yourself, from time to time: that’s empathy, and you deserve it.
Every time I feel sorry for myself I remember that, you mentioned this one time and yes, it is good and I need this.January 27, 2023 at 4:22 am #414509
Yes, I like those quotes too. I have been reading this couple times and thinking, recognizing my emotions. I think I did a good job in reducing acting on my anger. Communicating my emotions, naming them, apologizing to people if needed and explaining. It happened couple of times only but I think it was a big step for me. It is still not enough though.
I have to work on that and read more into assertiveness. I like how it is explained “It is the ability to express your opinions positively and with confidence”, not in a negative, aggressive, or slightly aggressive way – like I used to do and was taught. For example: my mother when she wanted me to clean the room she: 1. did it herself with anger and calling me names 2. talked to me angrily every day after that how I am messy. I now know this was (among other things) lack of assertiveness and what should be said/ asked is politely “Could you please clean you room and wash the dishes today?” It’s that simple. But I was taught the first way so often when I want something I get insistent and negative, as if I am scared the other person will not do what I want anyway so I am already disappointed in them. It’s not saying what I want and being passive aggressive/resentful after.
I also like this one about assertiveness “Accept both positive and negative feedback graciously, humbly and positively.“- I know I need to work on that too.
I like reading your first sentence, that I make everything seem so okay and simple. I hope to do more of that!
Very glad to read this. And thank you again Anita for the mood and atmosphere you create here on this thread. I learn a lot here about how to communicate and treat other people.
I try not to be depressed and feeling sorry for myself because of what happened to me. It is hard but I think it will be happening and I need to recognize those bad moments. They come and go.January 24, 2023 at 2:09 pm #414395
Don’t worry about forgetting to ask me how I am, I forget things too! And I am fine, thank you
You make everything seem so… okay and simple. I am grateful for that 🙂
I don’t remember if we talked any about BPD, or if we talked about it at length. I don’t remember that you mentioned lashing out at people angrily, which is a hallmark of the disorder…?
I think we only did in context of our mothers and a borderline rage. And no, I never lash out at people angrily, but I do feel this anger sometimes, it comes and goes. Also this “splitting” – I think it happens too. There are times I feel angry at some people (once they do something to upset me) and cannot shake off this feeling for some time. I can be naggy and not nice and it’s because of this anger. I also had history of self harm. There are symptoms that I think I used to have/are not that intense like: Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors, Unstable relationships, Fear of abandonment.January 24, 2023 at 12:26 pm #414388
I just thought today at work… I did not even ask how you have been, Anita. So asking now: How are you?
you mean in real life or here in your thread.. ?
In real life, reading too much on the internet and thinking too much about this.
does any of this reads true to you?
it mostly true when it comes to my childhood, there are memories that are vague even though they happened when I was around 13/14yo. And most of my early years. I know we were going to shop every Saturday to the small town near our place and I could not remember even one time going there. And more and more memories that are not there, like afternoons/evenings at home, eating meals, spending time, except for some memories with my cousin. Right now I think my memory is still pretty bad. I forget stuff so I keep my notes on daily basis.
you are welcome. I hope that it will be helpful to you!
I will start reading. I also got some other about BPD. I am not a good reader (I still have books it’s hard for me to finish since last year) but I will try.January 23, 2023 at 11:38 am #414336
Thank you for being so kind Anita, have a good and peaceful day 🙂January 23, 2023 at 11:29 am #414334
Thank you for checking up on me. My health is good now and I try to take daily walks every day. I usually go to pick up some delivery from access point (books or cosmetics, or cat food), it’s about 1 km away. It has been my nice routine. Even if I don’t have anything to pick up I still go for a walk there. I have been silent on the forum because I have been caught up too much in this BPD, obsessed I am going to lose people I care about when they discover my condition. But it’s ok, I am trying to be reasonable about it, just have some anxiety because of this and thinking too much, having difficulties accepting this. I apologize for not responding earlier (I know you wouldn’t be angry but still wanted to say this).
to remember a traumatic event without remembering how you felt during the event, is like watching a movie of your life, watching it as if it happened to someone else… isn’t it, for you? (I may be the one misunderstanding how you experience memories of traumatic events).
I have been thinking about this for past days and I am not sure whether I know how I felt then. My memories are very short, like couple of seconds of things I observed or experienced myself. Whenever I recall this it’s always the same: particular moment and remembering I must have been scared or.. do not remember any feeling at all. Sorry if this is confusing.
I wonder if you will benefit from reading from John Bradshaw‘s book “Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing your Inner Child“.
I got this book, thank you for recommending, Anita. It’s quite long I see (I hope I didn’t get a wrong one) but I like reading about healing.
Of course, you can always share a traumatic event here, on your thread, something you already did. As you share, take breaks when it gets intense or uncomfortable, notice your breathing from time to time, and take slow breaths, see what feelings come up, if any.
Thank you. I found it helpful last time. It was difficult but today the thought of even remembering this doesn’t feel that scary.January 17, 2023 at 11:01 am #413990
The projection of your mother into the neighbor was immediate. Living with your mother, you had to be hyper vigilant, so to detect her anger and mocking … before it got worse, so that you could emotionally prepare for it, and so that you can figure out how to respond so to lessen the damage to yourself.
True. And good that I am aware of it, but still it is difficult and happens often.
you were not crazy. When we are spaced out (not focused on the here-and-now), we drift to a time of no-time: no separated past, present and future.
That’s very well said (as most of your thoughts, Anita). I will remember that.
– When she told you these scary, disturbing words the first time, you were very scared and disturbed.. but then, over time, you got so used to these words, that you .. forgot about them. This is what dissociation is about: either forgetting words and events altogether, or forgetting what you felt when the words and evens took place. Personally, I have very few memories of my childhood (I forgot a ton of scary words and events), and of what I do remember of the scary words and events, only recently did I start to remember a bit of what I felt back then.
I too, have very few memories from childhood. I imagine it is weird to only recently remember how you felt in those moments. I am wondering whether I remember words and events or feelings too. I remember being in my pyjamas a lot, being cold, out of bed in the middle of the night, shaking because of the cold – that’s why I remember it probably. Can’t remember much feelings except of maybe being scared.
I wrote to you yesterday: “I had some memories (very few) but it was only a visual image of me in those memories, not me, the actual person“- the feeling gives memories a 3rd dimension. Without feeling, memories are 2-dimensional. (A visual image is 2-dimensional, an actual person is 3-dimensional).
Does this mean memories (traumatic ones for instance) need to have this feeling, this 3rd dimension? Sorry if I misunderstand.
you felt lots of fear when that event took place, an overwhelming amount of fear. The anxiety you feel now on a daily basis is .. what it takes to keep that amount of overwhelming fear below your awareness. There is no way to intentionally make yourself re-experience that overwhelming fear, nor would it be a good idea if you were able (it’d be too much). It takes a very gradual process to feel it in small increments, small amounts that you can endure.
So what I understand is the everyday anxiety I feel is a result of childhood trauma, not processed trauma, and that better to not re-live those situations, not face this overwhelming fear. How to do it in small amounts and would it be helpful in processing trauma?
What I wrote right above is true to me: I feel anxiety on a daily basis, I am still pushing down fear that threatens to overwhelm me. It’s instinctive.
I must say I am still thinking about this whole post. Not everything is clear to me but I agree with the quote above.January 15, 2023 at 11:43 am #413872
Anita, of course, please take as much time as you need. I will be returning here tomorrow after work (about 6 pm)
When I read your last paragraph, like in times past, I was not sure if you were quoting me (if those were my words or yours)!
I think I may have mentioned this memory (of me being in the room with my parents) once before on this thread but very briefly and did not elaborate on this. Interesting yours is similar! (But not surprising unfortunately..)
Take careJanuary 15, 2023 at 10:24 am #413866
“I immediately felt anger that.. he is mocking me… “- I very much relate. I felt that people are mocking me all the time, or very often, I should say. After all, my own mother mocked me and expressed plenty to me that I am.. mockable, not to be respected. It was enough for a person to look in my direction, for me to feel mocked, ridiculed, made fun of.
And I can relate to this so much: “It was enough for a person to look in my direction, for me to feel mocked, ridiculed, made fun of.” One time I met a neighbor when taking out the trash and she said “Hi” and I immediately thought: “is she mad at me? Do I look funny?” and then I thought “oh my god, am I crazy?… she just said ‘Hi’! for god’s sake..”.. It’s really ridiculous what thoughts come to my mind sometimes but at least I know that those thoughts are ridiculous and just my imagination, not real.
lots about me triggered my mother, so much did. There was no way for me to live and not trigger her.
So real for me too. I remember eating a carrot and my mother asking me to leave the room. (Not only one time, almost every time I ate loudly. I still trigger myself when I eat loudly)
My mother used to tell me: „when someone is a young mother and has a baby and this gets overwhelming and there’s this anger, this..urge that you want to almost throw your baby out of the window”. She used to tell me this over and over through the years, those exact words.
I never thought about this until recently that this is how she felt towards me – this anger, she hated me so much that she wanted to throw me out of the window, literally.. and she even repeatedly told me about this! Isn’t this amazing..how I never actually understood this is how she feels about me, even though she specifically told me this.
the way I understand it is that when she got angry at you for laughing, part of you identified with her and got angry at yourself … Or said in another way: a young child is not mentally separated from her mother, so when the mother gets angry about X, the child gets angry about X. When because of a disturbing childhood, a child doesn’t get the opportunity to mentally separate from her mother, this lack of separation carries through to adulthood.
The way psychotherapy works (in my experience as a patient) is that first, the therapist teaches the patient emotion regulation skills/ distress tolerance skills which are about lessening the intensity of painful or disturbing emotions, and secondly, gradually reconnect with these (less intense) emotions in a way that works in the context of healing.
I am googling and reading about emotion regulation skills, coping skills, healthy ones.. I try to incorporate some of them in stressful situations, like the smell, seeing, hearing. But not sure if I do it right and use the full potential of those exercises.
you can’t reconnect, or re-associate with emotional experiences that overwhelmed you in the past unless you have the skills mentioned above. Only when you are not afraid of being overwhelmed yet again, you are able to get this feeling, that surprising feeling (in my experience) that it was really me who was there. Before this surprising feeling, I had some memories (very few) but it was only a visual image of me in those memories, not me, the actual person. Can you relate to what I am saying? I am asking because if you don’t relate, I would like to try explain it in a different way.
Not sure. I imagine myself in my bedroom, my parents yelling, I was shaking and having tics. I am trying to imagine it is me, there, but now-me, me as an adult and them at that time. But.. not sure what I should do next with this and whether I understand it. Maybe I need more time to read or perhaps you would like to explain it in a different way, maybe it would help. Thank you for bringing it up Anita, it’s very new and interesting to me.