April 2, 2018 at 1:38 am #200465AnonymousInactive
Anita, thank you for always replying to me.
To your question: Yes, that would be nice. I’m dreaming about the day when it would be just like you described. Thinking about moving out gave me a reason to hope for the future.
Oh gosh, I had a dream today that I was looking for a new flat, and it was very quiet area. So new, so weird but nice. I think I’m very excited about this plan. I talked to couple of friends about it and they definitely say it’s the best idea. But I would never start planning this if it wasn’t for you.
My biggest dream is to longer want him in my life. Honestly I don’t think that would ever be possible. I can’t see myself in the future not wanting him. I feel that, and it’s a fact, that nothing works.
I know this wouldn’t be a beginning of anything good, meeting him. Just a continuation of what’s already been happening. Thank you for reminding me what’s obvious, I need those reminders.
I think deep inside I’m afraid to let him go, I don’t want my life without him because I think it will be pointless. So I feed this feeling every second so that it won’t fade. Do you know what I mean?April 2, 2018 at 1:57 am #200467
You posted the above just a short while ago, so I hope you are still online and can answer my question regarding your last sentence: “I feed this feeling every second so that it won’t fade”- what do you mean?
anitaApril 2, 2018 at 3:44 am #200479AnonymousInactive
When I start meditating I try to observe my thoughts. Most of them are being trapped in this life, this flat here, and thoughts about him. I try to observe them, and let them pass, but I keep holding on to them because I’m afraid that if I let them go, I will have no control of them. I need to look at them, and control them, make sure that they exist. When we were dating I woke every morning and my first thought was: ‘Are we okay. Is he not angry with me, or is he not gone.’ I still do that, except now it’s mostly negative. I can’t explain this. I’m afraid when I have no control of those thoughts and let myself to let them go, he will disappear from my head, and I’m scared of it, because he’s the hope.April 2, 2018 at 4:13 am #200481
Thinking about this man, Tom, keeps him in your company, that is, you are not alone. He is there. Sort of making believe he is there. He is not physically there with you, but when you think about him, you make believe he is there, with you, that you are not alone. Am I correct?
If I am, do you remember when you were young, after your parents getting a divorce, and you were at your mother’s home (not at your father’s) if you thought a lot about your father, making believe he was there with you?
anitaApril 2, 2018 at 4:54 am #200489AnonymousInactive
Yes, I always thought of my dad as my rescue. If only he was there, he could support me through everything I’ve been through when I was a child and she was bullying me, when her partner was mocking me. My dad wouldn’t allow this, if only he knew. He could laugh at things and tell me it’s all good. But he’s not there so I have no one.April 2, 2018 at 5:33 am #200491
Dec 8 last year you wrote: “when I met this guy (Tom) he reminded me of my father so much, felt so familiar, so nice and safe…I’ve been stuck with this guy for the last 7 years and he’s been my whole world and purpose in life, and can’t let him go and move on.”
In your post today, you wrote: “I always thought of my dad as my rescue. If only he was there, he could support me through everything I’ve been through when I was a child and she (your mother) was bullying me, when her partner was mocking me. My dad wouldn’t allow this, if only he knew.”
This is my (yet growing) understanding:
Who Tom is in reality and who he is in your mind are two different, unrelated things. Who he is in your mind is fantasy and has nothing to do with reality.
In Reality Tom in his interactions with you is possibly something like this: this joanna, so much fun, I can say anything I want to her, can do anything I want to her and she still wants me… don’t have to spend any money on her, don’t have to promise anything… she’ll take me anyway, do what I want, like a slave. I can hurt her and she’ll be back. Sex with her is fun, when I feel like it. Oh, I have no plans for her, no way, just having fun. It doesn’t cost me a thing, so why not.
In your Fantasy Tom is this: god, all powerful, The One who saves and protects and makes it all okay (if you say and do the right thing, of course, if you earn his willingness to use his power to save and protect and make it all good for you).
When you were a child, bullied by your mother and by her boyfriend, it was too scary to be alone, so you made believe your father was there, with you, and would be protecting you, if he was there. In reality your father “didn’t do anything”, your words. You made believe, created a fantasy, understandably, because being alone, unprotected was too scary of a reality.
Your father was your first Fantasy man. Who you imagined him to be is who you needed him to be, not who he was.
“I always thought of my dad as my rescue. If only he was there, he could support me through everything… if only he knew.
Fantasy has shifted from your father to this man, Tom.
Question is: will you ever move from Fantasy to Reality. I don’t know the answer.
anitaApril 2, 2018 at 6:54 am #200493
More of my thoughts:
I have no doubt that what I wrote above is true. I also know the following: you will not give up this fantasy for as long as you feel desperate to keep it. There is nothing I can write to you to cause you to give up this fantasy.
What keeps your fantasy going is not that it makes sense to your logic, any more than it makes sense to mine. What keeps your fantasy going is your fear. There is no arguing with fear. It has its own logic.
If you are ever to give up this fantasy, it will be because you will manage somehow to be less afraid.
In our communication here I know logically and emotionally that the Tom in your mind is a Fantasy and has nothing at all to do with the man he is in reality. You know it only logically, at best.
In further communication with you about Tom, I will point out the distinction between the Fantasy and Reality. Every single time.
anitaApril 2, 2018 at 6:57 am #200495AnonymousInactive
Okay, I know all that. It’s just an opportunity for him to have fun.
I’ll try to meditate, and learn to let go of those particular thoughts. I know you told me to not force myself but I’ll try. When I tried yesterday I realized how much I’m obsessed with those thoughts and it scared me.
I guess I need to read your posts over and over again. They help me.April 2, 2018 at 7:12 am #200499
Double posting. I don’t think you read my last post to you. In it I wrote that indeed you know this logically.
You don’t know it emotionally.
There is no benefit to knowing who Tom is logically if you feel and believe that he is what he is not.
anitaApril 2, 2018 at 7:36 am #200503AnonymousInactive
I hope you’re not angry at me. I don’t know what to say, I don’t want to promise or force anything, because that has never worked.
I read it, knowing it logically helps me a bit, I wouldn’t say it doesn’t at all. I want to try to give up this fantasy, because it doesn’t let me live.April 2, 2018 at 7:37 am #200505AnonymousInactive
*April 2, 2018 at 8:13 am #200527
I didn’t expect you to promise me anything. Not at all, not for a second. Neither did I consider a possibility that you will change how you see this man Tom. Or that you will stop seeing him.
I do have a negative feeling about Tom the person he really is. It makes me a bit sick to think of this person using you the way he is. It sickens me. The thought that he is doing this again and again disturbs me.
I mean, it isn’t right. It angers me. I suppose I do feel angry, angry at him for misusing you. The fact that you allow it is sickening, of course. But it doesn’t change the fact that he is 100% responsible for choosing to take advantage of a woman who is not well.
anitaApril 2, 2018 at 9:06 am #200535AnonymousInactive
Anita, thank you for feeling this way and caring. Yes I think he is not a good person doing this to me, not a good person in general. I don’t quite understand why he is doing this. I’ll try to give myself a break, a month without contacting him or replying to him, because talking to him has bad impact. I marked his messages as ‘ignore’ and I’m telling myself if I can’t end this, I’ll at least try to give myself time. I’ll try to let go of these thoughts a bit and postpone them, allow myself to distance a bit. Obsessing thoughts are my worst problem, I need to try to control them. Do you think that would be possible. If I promise this here, it will help.
I know my dad wouldn’t care. If he was alive right now he wouldn’t care about my current problems. I have no reason to assume he would. I would be alone after all. I always thought, if only he was alive right now, I could live with him, he would help me. But last time I saw him he was 40 year old man with no job, drinking every day, careless, with grandpa looking for him at his friend’s house, telling him to come home because I arrived. I had to wait because he wasn’t at home. Would that person be enough support for me, and tell me: why don’t I buy you an apartment, or I renovate you your room here to help you? No, he wouldn’t. I’m dreaming he would be excited to help me, but I never saw him being excited about me living there or doing anything for me. Also I never saw him doing anything for me. No evidence or memory about that. I have friends who have fathers buying them first cars, supporting them when doing driving licence, helping with renovations, fixing things. Why I don’t have all this. Its not fair I have to be alone all my life with my parents either bullying me or ignoring me. Anita, I know this is reality. I know I am alone, my father didn’t love me and didn’t care about me, and my mother has mental issues and has been abusing me. But it’s not fair, how can I accept it. This is not how a reality should look like. Why do I have to accept a worse reality than other people, when most of people I know have parents who not only love them and care for them but even when they’re adults they can count on them.
I need to go for a walk, and ignore the fact that my mother’s boyfriend is being rude to me even at Easter, at my own, let’s say, home. I want to ignore this and not waste even a second thinking about this from now. I’m thinking of the time when I will leave this hostile place. I’m dreaming of leaving this hostile world and wondering if there is something else for me.
Anita, I am very excited about moving out. Seems like it may be a real plan. I always dreamed about this, but not in this life, not in this world, in my dreams only. I would never really dare to plan this if it wasn’t for you. So thank you for that. Whatever happens I will not change my mind.April 2, 2018 at 9:56 am #200539
You stated reality very well in the above post. Fantasy will be back when fear increases. I hope you hold on to Reality for dear life, because hope is in facing reality.
This fantasy was necessary for you as the child that you were, no doubt. As an adult, it fails you and will continue to fail you.
I do wish you stay loyal to seeing reality for what it is, described very well in your last post. I hope you do when your fear increases. I hope that when your fear does increase you take walks or do something helpful to release that very unpleasant energy, the energy of fear.
Till your next post, take good care of yourself.
anitaApril 12, 2018 at 3:25 pm #202125AnonymousInactive
Thank you. I recently re-read your posts from this thread. My own, and yours. I see what has changed, what has not. I remember what you always tell me, that the distress will be back, and to expect it. In last days I feel anxiety is coming back. I’m not sure what is the reason. I noticed I gained some weight and I got scared. Yesterday I felt it’s the way it was during and after summer, when I started posting here, when I was having the worst panic attacks in my life. I tried to shift my focus to something else, I knew all the things you told me, and everything I read and was told, but I didn’t know what to do, I just tried to not think and shift my focus, also to explain to myself that nothing is happening and it’s just anxiety, it looks for something to attach to. Today during the walk home I felt fear that it’s coming back again. I feel like it’s coming back and I’m afraid. I know logically nothing is happening but I’m so afraid. Why is this happening to me. I feel like I’m one step away. I’m trying to distract myself and meditate but it feels desperate and I know it shouldn’t. I feel those thoughts come to me and they keep poking me, and shouting at me, and I’m trying to resist but I know I won’t survive it again, it was the worst that happened to me, those panic attacks. I’m so afraid of them now.