Dear Vaibhav:

My suggestion is that you separate your strong emotions from reality, just long enough to see reality best you can.

She is living in London, for now. She promised you “to not to go to parties or if she went she won’t consume more than one drink”-

Notice this promise: she promised you to “not go to parties”. But then, in the same sentence, she told you that she may go to parties. So… she cancelled her own promise to not go to parties.

Let’s look at the other promise: “she won’t consume more than one drink”. It is difficult to many, most maybe even all people who do enjoy alcohol to have only one drink. How likely is she to only have one drink. Once there in a party, with music and under the pleasant influence of one drink, how likely is it that there will not be another drink.

She compromised on the first promise already, cancelled it in one sentence. Will she not likely say something like this to herself, if she tries to keep the second promise: I will have one drink, but a strong drink… or if she has a light first drink, she may say: this was only .. wine, a second wine glass still counts as one drink if compared to whiskey, let’s say.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Vaibhav:

You are welcome.

You wrote: “I just cannot take a stand to leave… my emotions and feelings are so strong for her that I am not able to let go of her.”

Some of your distress is about you being conflicted, struggling: to leave or stay, to let go of her or hold on to her. I don’t think that at this time you are calm enough to make this choice and it is not necessary that you do. If you eliminate the conflict, that is, no longer fight within yourself (to leave or stay), your distress will lessen. Stop the inner struggle and you may calm down.

Another part of your distress is about the woman you love having cheated on you. This happened. It hurts. Best you can, relax into this hurt. Don’t try to run away from it by considering ending the relationship. Instead stay with the hurt.

It may help you to express this hurt more right here. How does it feel, where do you feel it. Staying with  hurt is the way that leads to resolving it.

anita

Dear Vaibhav:

She promised you “to not go to parties”- and she did go to a party again. She cancelled her promise at the time by saying that if she did go to a party, she will not have more than one drink. It reads to me that she is very excited about living in London, excited about going to parties and having fun. Reads to me that she is likely motivated to go to parties, glad to have those opportunities for socializing, drinking and fun.

And it reads to me that this is not a reality you can live with in peace. It is harming your mental health and you “are not able to function well”. You fight with her but unable to take a stand.

How about taking a break, letting her know the relationship is on a break, a time-out (no decision regarding the future of the relationship needs to be made before or during the break)?

You can decide how long the break will be and on what date to talk with her again. During the break you will have time of no contact, time of little pressure, to calm down and let reality sink in.

anita