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Long distance relationship!

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  • #202957
    Vaibhav
    Participant

    So basically we have been dating for 3 years and 4 months now . We have a very difficult future in terms of settling down. The main reason here stands for it is the wealth gap. But apart from that since last October my girlfriend moved to London to pursue higher studies. And just 15 days ago she was back in the city from London and we were spending time together, while she was asleep I was going through her messages and while reading them I found out that she cheated on me thrice since she moved to London. Later I confronted her and she confessed everything. According to her she had slept with one guy , made out with other guy and kissed the third guy. While she was here she asked for forgiveness and one last chance and said it won’t take place again. all of these incidents took place as and when she went for partying and got drunk. She promised to not to go to parties or if she went she won’t consume more than one drink. Today she went back to London to continue with her course. Deep inside I am missing her like crazy but at the same time I feel very insecure. It’s been difficult for me to let go of things or even her. I just cannot take a stand to leave but at the same time I am confused about staying in the same relationship. Whenever I try to sleep all the memories and good times it just flashes in front of me and the feeling consumes me . Due to all this I am not able to focus on my work as well. Kindly someone throw a light on what should I do and how should I do it ?

    Feels like my emotions are just killing me deep inside!

    Thank You

    #203039
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Vaibhav:

    My suggestion is that you separate your strong emotions from reality, just long enough to see reality best you can.

    She is living in London, for now. She promised you “to not to go to parties or if she went she won’t consume more than one drink”-

    Notice this promise: she promised you to “not go to parties”. But then, in the same sentence, she told you that she may go to parties. So… she cancelled her own promise to not go to parties.

    Let’s look at the other promise: “she won’t consume more than one drink”. It is difficult to many, most maybe even all people who do enjoy alcohol to have only one drink. How likely is she to only have one drink. Once there in a party, with music and under the pleasant influence of one drink, how likely is it that there will not be another drink.

    She compromised on the first promise already, cancelled it in one sentence. Will she not likely say something like this to herself, if she tries to keep the second promise: I will have one drink, but a strong drink… or if she has a light first drink, she may say: this was only .. wine, a second wine glass still counts as one drink if compared to whiskey, let’s say.

    What do you think?

    anita

     

    #203293
    Vaibhav
    Participant

    I think what you wrote is completely right. But my emotions and feelings are so strong for her that I am not able to let go of her. Last night only I was feeling very anxious when I couldn’t talk to her . My mind is so stuck on her that I can’t think properly and all my heart keeps saying that it will be better and she will turn around. My insecurity is also increasing day by day. I don’t want to control her but at the same time I want to control the things that she is doing. I don’t want to give up on her b ut the practical thing is to let go of her and this relationship.

    Thank You for words on this Anita. Kindly help me sort this out a little more.

    #203295
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Vaibhav:

    You are welcome.

    You wrote: “I just cannot take a stand to leave… my emotions and feelings are so strong for her that I am not able to let go of her.”

    Some of your distress is about you being conflicted, struggling: to leave or stay, to let go of her or hold on to her. I don’t think that at this time you are calm enough to make this choice and it is not necessary that you do. If you eliminate the conflict, that is, no longer fight within yourself (to leave or stay), your distress will lessen. Stop the inner struggle and you may calm down.

    Another part of your distress is about the woman you love having cheated on you. This happened. It hurts. Best you can, relax into this hurt. Don’t try to run away from it by considering ending the relationship. Instead stay with the hurt.

    It may help you to express this hurt more right here. How does it feel, where do you feel it. Staying with  hurt is the way that leads to resolving it.

    anita

     

    #204589
    Vaibhav
    Participant

    I am not able to function well . The hurt is tremendous and I am not ready to accept the fact that something like this happened. It all comes back to my mind when I video call with her . She being with some other guy while being with me is something I didn’t imagine. We still fight and she says that it is becoming annoying and we had a fight again regarding her going on a party. I am somewhere sure that I have to leave her and move on but the emotions and memories attached to her are not letting me take a stand. After all that she had done she is considering going out and partying again.

    #204631
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Vaibhav:

    She promised you “to not go to parties”- and she did go to a party again. She cancelled her promise at the time by saying that if she did go to a party, she will not have more than one drink. It reads to me that she is very excited about living in London, excited about going to parties and having fun. Reads to me that she is likely motivated to go to parties, glad to have those opportunities for socializing, drinking and fun.

    And it reads to me that this is not a reality you can live with in peace. It is harming your mental health and you “are not able to function well”. You fight with her but unable to take a stand.

    How about taking a break, letting her know the relationship is on a break, a time-out (no decision regarding the future of the relationship needs to be made before or during the break)?

    You can decide how long the break will be and on what date to talk with her again. During the break you will have time of no contact, time of little pressure, to calm down and let reality sink in.

    anita

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