Dear Anita,

Yes, the nightmares make me feel extremely invisible. I guess that’s how I felt a lot growing up. My parents never bothered to see me and my sister as individuals or treat us as such. We were simply just things that they had made together. If that makes sense. I remembered one memory the other night, of my parents arguing when me and my sister were really young. They argued in front of us all the time – they didn’t care if we saw or not. My Mum was threatening to leave – my Dad had his head in his hands, and they talked about who was going to have the kids. I’m pretty sure I remember my Dad saying “I don’t want them”, in front of us – which when I remembered, shot a brief moment of severe emotional pain back. I think that was the moment I started to dissociate from my life. Him saying that made me see myself in an existential way – I was just a person made from them, that they didn’t want anymore.

Growing up – my parents never bothered to hang out with us, or get to know us as people. There were times (before that massive argument between them) I believe, where we went on holiday, and there’s loads of photos of my mum looking happy with us and hugging us and holding us. And there was an old home video that my Dad took etc. After the argument all of that stopped. We didn’t go out as a family anymore. It was all about my Mum. I remember seeing my Mum depressed lying on her bed etc. They never tried with us at all – so me and my sister kind of floated through life, not really having models we can bounce back off, if that makes sense. They just wanted us to be as quiet as possible. They would always make the point that it was “Their house” etc.

Most of my weekends was spent waiting for my mum to finish shopping. So depressing. The amount of times we parked in the multistory, and I wanted to run and jump off the top to escape it all. Seriously. The car journeys were mental hell. I think this is why I relate to the suffering animals so much – because I know how it feels to be in a situation of which you can’t escape. It feels like eternity.

With the dissociation – I think my parents have done it as well, and my sister probably. My parents just stopped feeling emotions and cut themselves off. My sister seems to just automatically repeat their behaviour with her partner etc. and has continued repeating their behaviours throughout her life. By the way – she still hasn’t responded to the email I sent about self-reliance…. That was nearly a week ago now. I am wondering how she took it. Whether she is instantly mad at me, or if she is actually thinking about it. I might post what I sent on here, so you can see what I said??

I can see that – about the lack of mental health. It saddens me everytime I see a parent taking their anger out on a child. As if it’s their fault 🙁 I think it’s adults who aren’t willing to take responsibility for having a child – and how much of a precious and special gift that is – rather, they just get treated as financial and time burdens etc. I understand that money puts constraints on a family, but to be treated like your existence is a burden is really awful!

Yes, I guess I would be MORE privileged if I didn’t have the nightmares…. But, my mental health is actually a haven in comparison to other beings in this world, yknow? Like, there are cats that are deprived of sleep for “science” – and get electrocuted to stay awake etc. The lives of these cats must be traumatic, stressful and suffering every second of their lives :'( In comparison to them, I don’t have anything to complain about – as for the majority of the seconds of my life, I am in control of my reality, physical wellbeing, treatment etc.

My sister said that hearing my voice helped her…. It brought her a sense of comfort, because she feels like she has no one… which isn’t true. She has friends and connections she could make, if she saw herself worthy/ put effort in to doing so. Should I feel respinsible/ guilty now for removing her sense of comfort? (me) – or should I see this as a good thing which is hopefully going to help her grow?

You are very right about helping others, and how that takes mental health. I was only helping Noel so much because it was easier to do that then to focus on me. And because I was off work, and had too much time on my hands etc. I have learnt a lot from what happened. It still really hurts my heart to talk about it, so would not like to. But yeah, my heart grenade definitely got pulled – all emotions came to surface, it exploded. And then the shells got thrown back in to place with mighty force, and was forced to repair itself and direct it’s energy within. If that makes sense?

How do you manage with your own health/ mental health? And balancing that – as you help people on here??

Cat