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June 5, 2018 at 11:41 pm #211135
LailaParticipantHello, everyone. I am new here.
I am a university student from Indonesia, on my 4th term — majoring International Relations. Lately, I’ve felt like shit. I felt that I am dead inside. Recently, I officially became 20 years old. It was quite ironic that on the age where you are supposed to have fun, I am thinking of suicide every time I breathe. I just couldn’t stand my own existence. Why am I exist? Why am I here?
From the moment I went to university, I decided for myself to change. Join some communities, join some event (becoming the committee) — and I felt incompetent. I felt useless, seeing that everyone around me is smarter, better than me at literally everything. I felt idiot. I always force myself to do my best, but somehow in the middle, suddenly I felt tired of everything. And the peak, is on this 4th term. I don’t give a shit about anything anymore. I just felt dead. I don’t even want to smile, I just force a smile. I even do not feel anymore. I just shut myself in. I felt that people ignore me when I try to voice my reason. I started to miss my class. I started to do my work unwillingly and just this morning, I felt that I’ve failed my study group because of it.
And when my birthday comes up, no one congratulate me. I really remembered at the time, I was crying like an idiot in front of everybody. I don’t even have any friends. In the end, they did. But I’ve felt they treated me differently with others. I started to doubt myself. WHY MUST I LIVE? NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME!!!
If you want to listen to my complex story, from the beginning of my life, I think I always have this friendship problem. I never have any best friend. A buddy. Sometimes I am really jealous for people around me that post their pictures with their buddies. During my high school era, I lied to get my friends’ attention. But in the end, they ended up bully me. I hated them all. Even people who I think are friends, didn’t feel like friends to me anymore. Even they have best friends with others. Why I can’t have a best friend?
I disappointed myself again and again. I just want to die so badly right now. Please help me. Anyone. Please motivate me.
June 6, 2018 at 1:08 am #211151
AnonymousGuestDear Laila:
You wrote that you feel incompetent, useless, and you forced yourself to do your best, then got “tired of everything” and eventually “felt dead”. You don’t have any friends and believe that no one cares about you. You wrote that during high school, you lied to get friends’ attention and you were bullied by them.
My thoughts at this point: it is very difficult for any person to live believing one is those things, incompetent, useless, not smart, less than others and unlovable. It makes a person feel very badly, to believe these things. And it is very tiring and unmotivating.
I think you started believing these things, or some of these things about yourself early on, years ago, as a child. What happened then in your very young life, at home, to bring about these beliefs about yourself?
anita
June 6, 2018 at 1:53 am #211159LailaParticipantWell, to be honest, in the past something did happen that perhaps change me — my whole life.
When I was on my elementary school, I was harassed sexually by a stranger, a mad man, they said but some said he wasn’t crazy because he acted normal. My parents did nothing because he was crazy and at the time they accompanied my brother, he went on a surgery. I remembered that day I tried to kill myself using belt, but it didn’t work. I felt useless and unlovable.
My family background helped too, perhaps. Even I am myself confused, sadly. My father often harasses my family psychologically using words. He often screamed at us if we didn’t do anything right according to him. Perhaps, it also contributed to my compulsive lying because we have to please him, his standard. Even until now, I still lying to people in order to make them satisfied. I am scared to fail their expectations. My mother didn’t really help. She just watched. Since my father is the breadwinner, there was this sense of power about being the breadwinner and the head of the family. I do wish my mother work so she can help. But, she didn’t. Meanwhile, my sister is closer to my brother. I often abuse them. I felt guilty. I felt ashamed of myself. In my eyes, my sister is always perfect. She went to the best junior high school, the best high school, the best university, and got a job with good wage. I felt pressured. What if I fail? What if I couldn’t get a job? I was scared. I just wanted to die.
I am too scared to share this burden to them. What if they think of me as a burden? And I don’t have best friend as I told you before. That’s why I think of suicide as the best option. Recently, I tried to kill myself using drugs, it didn’t work because the dosage isn’t enough. I still lived. I always try to think perhaps I am not dead yet because I have a purpose. But I don’t know what kind of purpose is. I guess I am too dead to be alive.
June 6, 2018 at 2:04 am #211161AnonymousGuestDear Laila:
Your parents didn’t protect you from that stranger who harassed you. Your mother didn’t protect you from your father who screamed at you and used hurtful words against you.
Alone, unprotected, unattended to, unloved, really, you figured you are not lovable, not worthy of love. This has been my experience as a child. I didn’t think then in terms of being unlovable, this very word. I just felt bad a whole lot, really bad, sad, terribly depressed. I too wanted to die, thought about it as the solution, the way to end the misery.
Are you still living with your parents and if so, is your father still screaming and verbally abusing you? What are the relationships between you and your parents, currently?
anita
June 6, 2018 at 3:05 am #211173LailaParticipantNow I am not living with my parents anymore since my university is far from home, different city, in fact. Therefore I rent a room near my university. But now is the end of 4th term where I have to go back to my home because I don’t have any place to live at. Since I live on my own, I don’t listen about screamings anymore. But my sister pften tells me that my father often abuses my brother psychologically using words by screaming. He threw a fit to my brother, to the point where my brother became sick. So far, my brother already joined test to get state universities. I pray that my brother will get state universities. I am really worried if something worse happened. You know what I mean.
In my family, my brother is not the smartest. I always feel that me abusing him that makes him the way he is. What if because of me hitting him in the past making him stupid? My sister and I, thankfully, went to state university — therefore cheaper cost, well at least for my sister. Because of my room rental, I spent a lot of money more than for my university fees for eating, etc. My father was no longer on his prime, and my brother had a quite history. He was the only child that went to private high school. In Indonesia, private high school has a less possibility to get you to the state university. Indonesian people still consider state universities are better than private ones that cost more money. A lot of job applications are also stressed on state universities more than private ones. So, there you have it. I felt terrible for my brother. I think it also justified why I think of suicide as the only way.
I have no friends, therefore no significance to their lives. My family will be affected of course, but eventually they will move on and forget me. With my death, my brother, in the worst case, could go to private college since I died and therefore don’t go to university anymore. I think with my death, everyone will be happy.
June 6, 2018 at 3:30 am #211181AnonymousGuestDear Laila:
I am here on these Forums as a member, just like you. I am not a professional and am not qualified to interact with people considering the extreme measure you are considering. I therefore ask you to seek the help of a professional in your university perhaps, in the city where you live, in regard to this extreme measure.
I will be glad to communicate with you about everything you shared about other than that item.
You wrote that you feel guilty about hitting your brother. Unfortunately for me, and for my sister, I can relate to this as well. I used to hit her, I remember that one time when she was so little, I remember her innocent face and I feel so very, very regretful. It breaks my heart, the memory of it.
Tell me more about hitting him and otherwise abusing him, will you?
anita
June 6, 2018 at 10:36 pm #211329LailaParticipantI know I should seek professional help. In fact, there is a free consultation with psychology students. But there is something in me that always hold it in. Saying to not go there. I am afraid about what people will say. I don’t want to be seen as weak person. People will pity me and I hate being pitied. It makes me feel more useless, more incompetent, more miserable. What should I do? I know I should seek professional help. But, I don’t even have any will to go there. What should I do?
June 6, 2018 at 10:48 pm #211331LailaParticipantAbout the abuse, in the past, I used to abuse my brother. I often hit his head since I was a lot stronger than him. And I often abuse my sister too, even though she’s older than me. I remembered the time when I hit both of them with belt. I also once threatened my brother with knife. I think I always have some kind of anger issues. I know I need professional help, but it will be very expensive and the neighbours will gossip around us because you know neighbours thing around the world is pretty much same. I am afraid that will make my father become worse and I am afraid about my family. I feel so conflicted, I don’t know what to do. I wish I could have a friend. And I really thank about your presence, Anita. I am really sorry for making you troubled.
June 7, 2018 at 5:23 am #211365AnonymousGuestDear Laila:
You are not making me troubled, really. I remembered a troubling thing, hitting my sister, as a result of communicating with you, but the hitting I regret happened regardless of our communication, way, way before … before you were born. And so, you didn’t make me troubled.
We don’t forget something distressing when we temporarily don’t think about it. It is still there.
I understand your reluctance to go to counseling/ therapy. For one thing you hate being pitied and a professional counselor may pity you, be it a student in training or a certified counselor. Pity means a show of empathy that has a put down element to it, correct, as if saying: poor you, inferior one. On the other hand empathy is respectful, there is no poor-you-inferior one element to it. Do you agree?
Lots of mental health professionals who are certified are not good counselors/ therapists and they do what is wrong to do, for example, look at the clock instead of the client, criticize the client, and even show pity. So I understand your reluctance. I suggest that if you do seek help and end up sitting in front of a counselor-in-training or a certified counselor, pay attention and let her/ him know ahead of time that you are afraid of being pitied. Then pay attention. If you feel that you are pitied, leave. Stay only if you receive respect. And one more thing: ask and make sure there is confidentiality, that is, what is said in counseling stays there. The information doesn’t get anywhere else.
Regarding your brother and your sister, did you apologize to both, individually for having hit them? First I should ask, you no longer hit any of them, do you, and you no longer abuse either one in any way, correct?
anita
June 9, 2018 at 8:26 am #211791
BluebirdParticipantDear Laila,
I don’t have advice for you but I have a few thoughts.. I just wanted to say I feel for you. I can relate to some of the things you mentioned in your first post – about the birthday, not having friends, feeling jealous about people who post about their fun times..and feeling incompetent in general. I am close to 30 years old and I often think to myself that I should be self-sufficient and not care about birthdays, or get jealous of people because of their social media pictures. I often tell myself that I am supposed to be having fun. I am young and I have a well-paying job.. So why am I so bothered?
A lot of times, we have this rule-book for ourselves that we NEED to live by. We think we need friends because that’s the norm. 100s of likes on Instagram makes it the norm. We think we NEED to have fun in 20s and 30s. If we don’t, we are disappointed in ourselves. If a weekend goes by and we stayed at home watching TV alone, we beat up ourselves. Why?
We think about what we have done in the past and regret. We spend so much time regretting and we tell ourselves that we will change. So we make up this list of things that we need to live by. We tell ourselves that we will eat healthy and we will be kind to everyone every single time. We think that will solve everything and everyone will love us.
If we mess up because we are tired of trying or we forget, we beat up ourselves. We become super disappointed and our confidence goes down even further. We lose hope. We keep going down. And then we try again. We will fail. Then we feel worse than before. and so on…
I just want to say this is human. Its ok. We are not born to be perfect. We don’t need to have 100s of friends on Instagram. We don’t need to be THAT COOL person in your class. Maybe we will get there some day. But for now, its ok. Let go of that rule book or those goals and your timeline. I am not telling you to give up. I am just saying – take baby steps. If you do something (even the smallest thing) better than last week, congratulate yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat a child you love. Encourage her for every attempt. If you don’t feel the way you think you should, IT IS OKAY. Don’t force yourself. Accept it.
WHO TOLD YOU THAT YOU NEED TO BE A CERTAIN WAY? STOP IMPOSING THESE RULES AND TIMELINE ON YOURSELF.
Due to habit or some other reason if you still abuse your sibling, tell yourself that you will be better tomorrow. Think about why you did what you did. BUT APOLOGISE TO YOUR SIBLING. Tell them that you regret your behaviour. that you are trying to change and need help. BE HONEST. Consider moving for a while. Force yourself to stay away from your siblings so that you don’t hurt them and keep regretting. Stay away until you know for sure you will not hurt them..
TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT IT.
I can understand not wanting the sympathy and the worry about being perceived as weak. I felt the same way. But trust me when I tell you it really helps. It helps just to have someone hear you and say that you will be okay. There is nothing weak about this. Every human has some weakness. Strength is about acknowledging it and taking steps overcoming weaknesses.
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