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Laila

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  • #211331
    Laila
    Participant

    About the abuse, in the past, I used to abuse my brother. I often hit his head since I was a lot stronger than him. And I often abuse my sister too, even though she’s older than me. I remembered the time when I hit both of them with belt. I also once threatened my brother with knife. I think I always have some kind of anger issues. I know I need professional help, but it will be very expensive and the neighbours will gossip around us because you know neighbours thing around the world is pretty much same. I am afraid that will make my father become worse and I am afraid about my family. I feel so conflicted, I don’t know what to do. I wish I could have a friend. And I really thank about your presence, Anita. I am really sorry for making you troubled.

    #211329
    Laila
    Participant

    I know I should seek professional help. In fact, there is a free consultation with psychology students. But there is something in me that always hold it in. Saying to not go there. I am afraid about what people will say. I don’t want to be seen as weak person. People will pity me and I hate being pitied. It makes me feel more useless, more incompetent, more miserable. What should I do? I know I should seek professional help. But, I don’t even have any will to go there. What should I do?

    #211173
    Laila
    Participant

    Now I am not living with my parents anymore since my university is far from home, different city, in fact. Therefore I rent a room near my university. But now is the end of 4th term where I have to go back to my home because I don’t have any place to live at. Since I live on my own, I don’t listen about screamings anymore. But my sister pften tells me that my father often abuses my brother psychologically using words by screaming. He threw a fit to my brother, to the point where my brother became sick. So far, my brother already joined test to get state universities. I pray that my brother will get state universities. I am really worried if something worse happened. You know what I mean.

    In my family, my brother is not the smartest. I always feel that me abusing him that makes him the way he is. What if because of me hitting him in the past making him stupid? My sister and I, thankfully, went to state university — therefore cheaper cost, well at least for my sister. Because of my room rental, I spent a lot of money more than for my university fees for eating, etc. My father was no longer on his prime, and my brother had a quite history. He was the only child that went to private high school. In Indonesia, private high school has a less possibility to get you to the state university. Indonesian people still consider state universities are better than private ones that cost more money. A lot of job applications are also stressed on state universities more than private ones. So, there you have it. I felt terrible for my brother. I think it also justified why I think of suicide as the only way.

    I have no friends, therefore no significance to their lives. My family will be affected of course, but eventually they will move on and forget me. With my death, my brother, in the worst case, could go to private college since I died and therefore don’t go to university anymore. I think with my death, everyone will be happy.

    #211159
    Laila
    Participant

    Well, to be honest, in the past something did happen that perhaps change me — my whole life.

    When I was on my elementary school, I was harassed sexually by a stranger, a mad man, they said but some said he wasn’t crazy because he acted normal. My parents did nothing because he was crazy and at the time they accompanied my brother, he went on a surgery. I remembered that day I tried to kill myself using belt, but it didn’t work. I felt useless and unlovable.

    My family background helped too, perhaps. Even I am myself confused, sadly. My father often harasses my family psychologically using words. He often screamed at us if we didn’t do anything right according to him. Perhaps, it also contributed to my compulsive lying because we have to please him, his standard. Even until now, I still lying to people in order to make them satisfied. I am scared to fail their expectations. My mother didn’t really help. She just watched. Since my father is the breadwinner, there was this sense of power about being the breadwinner and the head of the family. I do wish my mother work so she can help. But, she didn’t. Meanwhile, my sister is closer to my brother. I often abuse them. I felt guilty. I felt ashamed of myself. In my eyes, my sister is always perfect. She went to the best junior high school, the best high school, the best university, and got a job with good wage. I felt pressured. What if I fail? What if I couldn’t get a job? I was scared. I just wanted to die.

    I am too scared to share this burden to them. What if they think of me as a burden? And I don’t have best friend as I told you before. That’s why I think of suicide as the best option. Recently, I tried to kill myself using drugs, it didn’t work because the dosage isn’t enough. I still lived. I always try to think perhaps I am not dead yet because I have a purpose. But I don’t know what kind of purpose is. I guess I am too dead to be alive.

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