Dear Kay:

You shared on this thread that as a child, you begged your mother to do something about the abuse you got from your father and siblings and “she still never would” do anything to help you. Only yesterday (was it?) you were at the pool with your mother and she told you that she wants the man who abused you (your ex boyfriend) “to have a better life”. Like you wrote, “she always sides with them”, with the people who abuse you, that is: your father, siblings and most recently, your ex boyfriend.

“Why can’t she ever support me?” you asked. Because she is not on your side, just like you wrote (“she always side with (those who abuse you)”). It is very difficult when your own mother is not on your side.

You wrote: “I put up with a lot of mistreatment because that was better than being on my own… I feel completely alone without my family”- this is the conflict a child faces when in a family not on her/his side- having no other place to go and not being able to live alone. So you stay because there is no  other option, and you hang on to any and every thing that appears like support.

“Why can’t she ever support me?” – maybe she is angry at you, for no fault of your own, from the very beginning, since you were a baby. For her own reasons, nothing to do with you. Maybe she identifies with abusers, siding with them because of their power (over the abused), maybe she values power, not love.

As part of your transformation, you attended therapy. Another part of your transformation will have to include no longer living with your mother and no longer interacting with her at all. It is not possible to transform, or heal when interacting with a person who sides with those who are against you. Siding with people who are against you is taking that position herself, being against you, that is.

You need people who are for you, not against you. Do your best to be calm where you are right now, where you live, attend therapy and plan to move out. Plan to select people who will be for you and avoid those against you. Take your own side.

I hope to read from you more and more and would like to continue to communicate with you.

anita