This is a long one, I’m sorry. I’ll understand if you don’t get through it.

We met two years ago and it really was “love at first sight” (ick I know). He was visiting my town for a few months on a summer work contract. We both fell hard and fast. We are both in our early 40s and had prior failed relationships each and had given up on finding “the one”. When we finally found each other, there was an amazing connection right away.  There was a lot of passion and adventure. We seemed to fit so well together in many ways.

Once his contract came to an end, we maintained a long-distance relationship (several states apart) up until 3 months ago. I would travel to his home once a month for about a week or two to see him and his adorable 6 year old child (whom I also fell in love with). Much of the travel I took on because I have a more flexible (and more financially secure) job. He couldn’t move to my town because of his son whom he shares with his ex 50/50 every other week. His child is number one and he would never consider leaving him and I loved that about him- he’s a great dad. Plus, he works 4-6 weeks on (and one week off) throughout the summer/fall far away from his son… so when he is off work, he tries to maximize the time he has with his son. So, I would join them as often as possible, rearranging my work schedule as much as I could. We phoned or Skyped daily when we weren’t together.

We regularly discussed me eventually moving to his town. Much as he hates the town he lives in, he couldn’t move because of his son. He couldn’t bear the thought of seeing his son less then he already does (which is what would happen if he moved to be with me) and his ex would never consider moving away from their town. If it wasn’t for his son, he would have moved to my town in a heartbeat.

Soooo, if we were to stay together (and we both wanted to), I’d have to be the one that moved. And I started planning to do this but I wanted to be sure it was the right thing to do before leaving my current situation. Though I could easily get a job in his town in my chosen career, I have worked very hard for many years to achieve the exact position I have right now. The hours are perfect, the stress is manageable, and it is financially-rewarding. But for the right man, I was willing to start over, even if it meant leaving my job, beautiful town, and good friends. After all, why be in a perfect location with the perfect job if you don’t have someone you love to share it all with? That’s what I was running with. I felt we were worth it.

Our love became stronger by the day. He told me daily how he felt about me- something I had never had reinforced in other relationships. He made me feel that I was the most beautiful woman in the world. He even ran to open the car door for me each time! There were plenty of surprise flowers, romantic date nights, home cooked dinners by him, lots of snuggles, and wonderful family trips. We considered the 3 of us a small family despite the distance. And I always wanted a family. He introduced me to all his friends and family. It was truly quite the love affair- the stuff you see in movies.

As time went on, however, I felt I was making all the effort in keeping us together. I was the one leaving work and my friends on a monthly basis- and of course the money associated with travel was building up. Originally, he was going to come out to see me at least a few times maybe on one of those weeks he wasn’t with his son and when he wasn’t away working- but that only happened 3 times (and that was only because I secured him a small job contract near my town). I should mention that he didn’t work over the winters and so was quite limited with cash during that time to come out. I didn’t ultimately care about the financial cost of maintaining our relationship- I would have spent a million bucks if it meant being with my new family. But eventually, before moving there, I wanted to see some form of reciprocity from him- to know that he was willing to sacrifice something (didn’t have to be money at all) to keep us together too. I essentially wanted him to show he’d walk through fire for me at a moment that it would really count. One needs that security in a relationship, especially if you are dropping everything to move. Even his friends were trying to tell him that I was doing all the work and that he needs to buck up. But he’d always say he didn’t have the money and he was limited in what he could do because of his son. It took me awhile to figure out that everything seemed to be brought back to him and his needs pretty much with everything. When I was in town, we’d end up doing mostly what he wanted to do. His friends agreed. And he himself even admits to doing this as a bad habit. Plus, he never seemed to meet me in the middle with any  disagreements, but would instead try to convince me that his way was the best way with things. No compromising.This didn’t bode well for a life together as a team.

The process of licensing myself for my career in another state takes about 4-6 months and he knew that. At first, I told him I could move there as early as the summer of 2017 and then I pushed it to the winter of 2018 and then again to summer of 2018. Part of my delay was due to the above concerns eventually taking shape and some other red flags I’d worried about early in the relationship. He had a difficult childhood involving a dad who was an alcoholic and a mom who favored his brother. He didn’t receive the support he needed in the school system and ultimately left high school. This led him to drugs and alcohol and some time in juvi but he managed to get himself out of all that in his early twenties and make a name for himself in a good career. I always admired people with a story, who manage to better themselves despite adversity. The problem is, he still had lingering issues left over from his colorful past that bothered me- he often acted as if the world was against him and would make decisions based on this. He thought that everybody and everything was all about money. He had a few remaining sketchy friends from his past. And he sometimes seemed envious of what other people had (though he would always deny needing such things). He had a jealous streak too (he was always worried about a guy that lived behind me for no reason whatsoever). And his house and yard was the usual chaotic redneck bachelor pad which he didn’t want to clean up haha. This stuff all led to some disagreements and frustration on my part but no all-out fights. Ultimately, we had some important differences in our core value system. But I tried to accept our differences and work with them because we were so in love. Argh.

Ultimately, I decided to take a 6-month leave from my current job to move to his town just to try things out so that we would know that we tried everything before ending things. Maybe some of our issues were because of the long distance. Maybe things would settle if I was working and living there for real (and not just on a vacation). I didn’t want to end things wondering “what if we gave up too soon”. With a 6-month leave, we could pull the plug if it didn’t work out for us and I could return to my town and job without needing to start over. I got everything set up finally to start working in his town by July 2018.

He knew I was struggling making the ultimate decision to move so he suggested I speak with his ex (and mother of his child) whom he had been with for 6 years in the past. He believed that despite their issues in the past, she knew he was a good guy with a big heart just trying to be a good dad. I had met her many times because of their shared son. After giving in, I texted her with some of my concerns about him (without prompting her with specifics too much). What she wrote back over the course of the next few days were many texts that almost seemed like I had written them myself. She had the same struggles with him as I had. Both of us suspect covert narcissism now. It was then that I ended things with him. I broke my heart, his heart, and his son’s heart. I know in my heart it was likely the right thing to do for myself but even now, almost 3.5 months later, I’m in the phase of remembering the many great times we had and the love we shared. I’m not able to have children of my own and so losing his son whom I love so much was a double loss. I still cry every day. Mornings are the worst because I relive my decision all over again. I second guess everything. I do get out with friends lots, have joined plenty of activities groups, continue to work out regularly, have tried a few new things, and am now on my second psychologist to help myself move on (she’s more of a life coach as I now try to move forward from this). I’ve dated several men so far who all want to see me again, but there is just no spark or attraction from my end. My ex and I had a crazy spark the whole time (even the arguments had passion). I hate that I may need the spark now. I’m putting the dating thing to rest for now, as it just hurts too much and I’m not in it for the right reasons yet.

He and I tried no contact for a little while- just recently we have been back in low contact about exchanging our stuff and other mundane things only (except my friend was recently injured in a car accident and he was calling/texting me to make sure she- and I- were OK). We recently Skyped and we both stated we still love each other- that this hasn’t changed. We also said we always would love each other. Things have been difficult for both of us since the split. But he kept saying “but YOU broke up with me”.

Shortly after the breakup, he told me he thinks he gave up on me ever moving there sometime late last fall/winter. He even put an online profile up around then because he was so lonely and thought he had a girlfriend who only wanted to string him along and see him once a month. By the way, when we were still together and he didn’t have his son and I wasn’t in town, he would get crazy depressed- another red flag that had made me uncomfortable (he is uncomfortable in his own skin and with being on his own- traits related to narcissism). Anyway, he didn’t meet anyone online as far as he states and I do believe he didn’t officially cheat, though posting online is a form of cheating to me. However, even I was contemplating posting a profile online because I was so confused about my decision to move and thought maybe if I met someone out here, this decision would be made for me . But I didn’t post anything. At first I thought he was crazy to think that I was leading him on but I guess if I had had a boyfriend who kept delaying a promise to move like I did, I would have lost hope and trust too. That was my mistake in all this- I should have told him about my concerns with those red flags. But he has admitted if he had those thoughts, he should have ended it with me. He just couldn’t bring himself to do it- out of hope and love, I don’t know.

So here I am. I know I likely made the right decision. But there is a lot of regret now. The “what ifs” are hitting me. What if I don’t have a spark like that with anyone again? What we had was truly incredible before distance and time took effect. The first few weeks after the break, there was relief. But now I’m sadder then ever as the reality of what I did sets in. He is (so far) the love of my life. I know I just need to get used to being in love with someone I can’t be with. But how does one do that? And how does one leave a child in the middle of all this? He’s 8 now and I’m sure he will forget me soon- that hurts but it’s probably the right thing for him in the end. I’m just so surprised that this has effected me so deeply despite all the red flags.

Anyway, if you made it to the end, thanks for reading.