Thank you Anita. That is very well put. My brain is convinced but my heart has much farther to go…I have some good days but still some very bad days (mornings are the worst as I have to relive everything all over again). I do hope to eventually find someone in my town or nearby. But it’ll be a challenge- my town is quite small (13,000) and it’s a place that has a very transient population (due to it being a lifestyle community and far too expensive for most normal people to survive in). It draws lots of younger adults temporarily for the summer hotel season and then the winter ski season- unfortunately meaning the men my age (in their 40s) LOVE to run around after the temporarily-located 20-30 year olds because there is no long-term commitment with them and well…because they are looking for the young trophy wife just because they can. I know I sound bitter but honestly, my town is well-known for this. Even my single 40s guy friends admit to this. My ex was only a year younger then me and ready to settle down with a woman our own age and that was refreshing- it’s just too bad he was from the other side of the country!! Anyway, I’m reaching out to the city about an hour away for more dating options. Thanks again for your words. I find re-reading them help me when I’m longing for the ex.

Thanks Anita for reading my (ridiculously long) note here. I really appreciate it.

I continued to be in touch with the ex the day after I broke things off with my partner.  There were numerable texts back and forth between her and I where she described the difficulties in extreme detail that she had had with him in the past. She brought up issues very similar to those I had with him. But then she brought up other things I’d never known about or suspected. My ex-partner had told me early on in our relationship that she had cheated on him while they were together (he had caught her coming home at 4am one time after being out with her girlfriends with her hair in complete disarray).  And I had believed that to be true. In her texts to me however, she became quite angry that he told me that and that he had told other women he was trying to date (prior to me) the same thing. She felt he was using it to suck women in to feeling badly for him (playing the victim). She stated he was actually cheating on her when they were together. Now, he told me in the past that she had suspected him for cheating but he always denied it- and still does to this day. His job takes him away for weeks at a time in some pretty remote locations and she always suspected he had a woman in every port so-to-speak. When he was home, she would snoop through his stuff claiming she found condoms and dirty pictures. She would never let him hang out with his friends or go anywhere without her. The interesting thing is when she found this stuff, they had already effectively ended the relationship but were still living in the same house only for the sake of their child (separate bedrooms). I never suspected him cheating on me (and I really don’t think he physically did…except that online profile I mentioned above after he had effectively “given up on us ever being together”). It was she that told me about his online profile that he had posted last fall (she told me in one of the texts the day after I broke up with him)- and as proof she sent my a screenshot of the profile that a girlfriend of hers (who was involved in online dating herself last fall) had taken back then. I then forwarded it to him and asked him to explain…which he did using the “given up on us/my girlfriend only wants to see me once a month thing” I mentioned above. Back in the fall, completely unknown by me at the time, his ex had confronted him about the profile and threatened to tell me if he didn’t delete the profile ASAP. It made her very angry that he was essentially considering/attempting to cheat on me by posting the profile. She really liked how I was a very good influence for her son and wanted me to stick around. She hates the fact that she is stuck raising her son with a man (my ex) who has so many issues, is totally ADHD, narcissistic  and is essentially a messed-up “wild card” who had “women coming and going all the time”. She appreciated the fact that I seemed to be a stabilizing influence on him. She wanted me to stay in all of their lives for good.

It became too painful receiving all these texts from her as the day went on so eventually I said to her “thank you for telling me your side of things and for essentially confirming that my decision to leave him was likely the correct decision. I don’t think I need to know anything more. Please tell your son that I love him and that I wish I could be there to watch him grow up”. She said she would and we’ve had no contact since.

When it is a battle between “he said” and “she said” like this and “who cheated on whom”, the truth generally lies somewhere in between the two arguing people. Yes, I think she cheated on him at some point. And no, I don’t think he cheated on her but there were likely aspects of his behavior that made her think that…and that maybe he enjoyed her thinking that. And that may be related to some narcissism on his part. I’m sure though that she is her own version of “crazy” too- she’s not innocent in this at all either.

Why my ex thought talking to her was a good idea is still unclear. He says he honestly thought they had gotten to a good place now and that she had “gotten over” all the bad blood that was between them from the past- and that she understands that he has led a totally f—ed up life until now and is ultimately just trying to be a good dad and good person in general. He thought she would help ease my fears about moving in with him. And he wanted me to have all necessary information to make my decision- he didn’t want me to end up resenting him if I moved there and hated it.

As evident from the barrage of incredibly angry texts she sent me about him (angry toward him, not me), she is still very pissed with him and absolutely despises him. This somehow shocked him and continues to shock him to this day. Again, I think there is a narcissistic slant to him thinking that everything was good between them. Even without all the details of their past relationship, I could tell she hated him before all this new info came to light (she would constantly be rolling her eyes at whatever he said, sarcastically bad-mouth him in front of people including him, and move away from him at hockey meet ups when he insisted we all sit next to each other as a “happy blended family”). By the way, she is in a good solid relationship now with a very nice and stable man. Others could tell she hated him. But he couldn’t tell. And I think it’s because he’s just too self-centered and narcissistic to realize this. Totally clueless.

Sometimes though, I catch myself wondering if he knew she would go into extreme detail so I’d be the one to ultimately break up with him- and then he could play the victim yet again (another narcissistic trait). He vehemently denies this. And he is certainly no mastermind.

Anyway, thanks again for reading. I’ve found just in writing both of these notes and explaining the complex story that it has helped me realize that I most likely got out of a really toxic situation and am better off in the long run. But damn, getting over my love for him (or accepting it will always be there) is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do so far.