Dear Kenny:

You are very welcome. I will quote from you and give you my input:

“She also told me that her cousin’s husband would say nothing when she gets angry at him and that when she gets angry at me I will rebel and say mean things to her and ask me why can’t I be more like him”- she clearly communicated to you here that she is the one In-Power, the Authority, and you are the subject of her power. And you shouldn’t rebel against her power, she said. This woman may be someone’s mother one day. Can you see the trouble her child will be in?

“I see the best in people even when they hurt me consistently… I see the better side in her. She mistreated me consistently but she also brought me a lot of happiness, good times… I truly loved her unconditionally even with the abuse and the insults”.

A child loves his parent unconditionally, truly loves the parent even with the abuse and the insults. A child who is stuck with an abusive parent (having nowhere to escape to), needing the parent so badly, makes believe that the abusive parent is a good parent, holding on to any thing that looks, sounds, tastes or smells good as evidence of love (a smile, soft voice, food served). The abused child, unable to feel fear all the time, enjoys breaks from fear and misery, those “good times”. The most abusive childhood has that “happiness, good times”.

“I confronted her before but she will always convince me that I am the abusive one and that I am completely delusional for calling her abusive and controlling… Am I just delusional for thinking that she abused me and that I am in reality the abuser… this monster she said I am? … they (friends) told me she is the abusive one but she would go off and tell her family members that I abused her”

I understand your confusion, I suffered the same kind for many, many years. It was very painful to live not knowing what is real and what is not: am I the bad person or is it the other person? It has been a long, long process of seven years for me, healing from this confusion. Too much to this process than I can attempt to write in this one post. I will be glad to share more as we continue to communicate, over time, if you are willing and able.

For now I will say this: as far as this ex girlfriend is concerned you are not confused about this one thing: there was abuse in the relationship. Because you can’t tell who abused whom, best thing for you to do when there is abuse in a relationship, is to exit the relationship.

If there is no abuse, stay in it. If there is abuse, leave.

Your friends told you she was abusive. I did. You did. But you don’t believe it, not as long as she said she was not abusive. See, there is nothing I can say, or anyone can say, and it doesn’t matter how much you repeat the telling of her behavior to yourself and to others, as long as she didn’t say: yes, I abused you, you won’t believe that she abused you.

The process, like I wrote, is long, tough and long, but if you engage in it and persist, you will no longer be confused one day, you will see.

anita