Dear Cat:

You wrote in your recent post: “you seem to insist he is an anxious guy, but from the things I’ve experienced with him, it can come across that he is actually a liar… The not knowing who he really is part is killing me…I am trying so hard to change the way I view myself and change the way I view things”.

My thoughts this early morning: when you told me that Toby told you repeatedly that he is anxious, I believed his statement because most people are anxious, and all are anxious at times. And then, “I am anxious” is not a classic pick up line. When you posted a message he wrote to you, I didn’t have the context of previous conversations you had with him. My first impression was that he is an honest man. This impression was not based on communicating with him directly, nor was it based on a gradual process of getting to know him. It was a quick, first impression.

From my understanding of you, Cat, you don’t get to know the men in your life, you don’t take the time. Instead, you assume they are wonderful, put them up on that pedestal and look up to them as your superiors. Then you proceed to tell them everything about yourself, sort of  sinner confessing to god. As if the man on the pedestal has this superior brain-computer that is able and willing to process the information you give him and figure out what to do so to make your life better.

And so you share and share with the man, and you don’t get to know him.

Got to stop doing that- get to know the man. Share just a bit about yourself, the nature of your job, let’s say, and listen to what he says. Ask little questions, listen. If you hear a contradiction in what he says, ask about it, not as an interrogator, but casually, so that you are more likely to get truthful answers. Take your time with the process of getting to know a man. (And don’t tell a man about your recent diagnoses, what is he to do with it? That would be for way later, if at all).

When you put a man on a pedestal, he will come down from it, it is just a matter of time. You will find out that he is far from perfect, sometimes way too far, and that is a shock to your system.

Don’t put men on pedestals, don’t put anyone on a pedestal. Get to know people over a long time of back and forth communication, make sharing a two way street, share a bit, ask, listen. Then again.

I hope to read from you soon.

anita