Is it coincidental that I’ve had ‘bad’ experiences in the salon, burrito spot, espresso shops , at work etc. ?  Problem being: I wonder if something about my behavior, personality etc. which inspires bad service, poor products and less then welcoming group dynamics at work and in social settings.  Not all the time, of coarse, I’d be crazy by now.  But enough times , in each of these areas, to make me hypersensitive and paranoid of others perceptions of me.  Sometimes I feel like there’s something about me which makes me a target; like I represent something that people hate , not that they actually would hate me if they knew me.

For example:  I walked into an in expensive haircut shop for a trim /shape up to an aline cut.  The hair stylist talked to me for a few minutes which seemed to be a good communication of what I wanted done. She then washed my hair and handled me a bit roughly /abruptly.  Then, when she cut my hair she did it very fast and also was matter of fact in the way she had me tilt my head and positioned it rather strongly.  I left with my hair mostly wet and when I looked in the mirror and checked out the cut she had cut the angle upward instead of longer at the front.  I returned to the shop and had a melt down. Another stylist was able to fix it up but had to cut it much shorter.  Now why did she do that?  She did not even know me and I was not mean or demanding of her?

I don’t want to get into the other examples. I do want to not take any of these things personally but  I DO.  My brain knows that there is a different social dynamic today than when I was growing up.  Just check out TV and movies.  I don’t own a TV.  When I do watch a show I can see that the interactions and happening of life are somewhat like a modern sitcom.  The motto of customer interaction and job performance is not “the customer comes first or the customer is always right” .  Today , it’s more like “I hate my job and if you don’t behave the way that I want you to as a customer I’ll passive aggressively show you how much I recent you and what you stand for.

Emotional Mastery?  That is the forum topic that I chose for sharing my thoughts and exp. today.  The ‘Four Agreements” could be the perfect anecdote. Also lowering expectations.  When I go into an espresso shop I now feel lucky to get what I want and like.  It’s risky!  Unless I go to peet’s coffee because they train for consistancy.  I won’t go back to the hair cut place that I had that bad exp. at , what I need to do is let go and not hold the burning coal because in that situation , there is no depth of relationship to warrant deeper feelings… but it really sucked! Hair has to grow back and she used her power of the shears to be agressive about something that I had not idea what?  I had also mentioned work place relations in my list.  I notice on the web searches , many resources to deal with toxic work environments.  So tonglen breath work?  Breath in all the pain of the those suffering from toxic work environements and exhale compassion to all.

I am willing to look at myself and my part in each situation.  I can not be too critical of self as it’s not healthy.  I want to just be myself and not to worry too much about what others think of me. I’ll take the reflections of others as a learning tool but they may not always be accurate mirrors and I don’t have to take their perceptions and responses to me to HEART or too hard.

For what it’s worth.  🙂  thanks for reading.  I’m open to responses.

ilovepapayas!