Anita, I think you are right that she triggers my mom anger feelings. I did clear a lot of other feelings related to her before I reached this state of mommy anger, but ultimately I think that’s what is there right now. It’s complicated also that I don’t really feel pants!feelings for anyone, and then this person shows up and I’m like “wow”… it just feels incomplete if I ever end up with someone that is great but I don’t feel this for them.

“There are many women who had terrible childhoods and yet they have romantic relationships, but their fear/ anger dynamic is different than women who don’t manage to have a relationship. They may be more fearful than angry, perhaps. Maybe their anger is turned inward on a regular basis, while yours often enough turns outward, toward other people, and it shows, keeping them away.”

that is very true, most women are able to have relationships despite all trauma. Some are even in healthy relationships. I don’t know… I consider myself to be super fearful apart from the anger. I don’t know if my anger sends people away because it’s more internally directed than externally (the external part is more recent I guess). Looking back the three things that have kept me alone were fear, the lack of sexual desire, and the unwillingness to settle for less than I wanted… I wonder if what I want is somewhat unrealistic… I mean, it shouldn’t be, but maybe it is (someone that works with me — or in the same field at least — who I feel sexual attraction for, that enjoys alternating between both an active and quiet lifestyle, and mainly someone that is involved with advocating for minorities/LGBT/mental health issues or at least is an ally).

Right now I’m also sort of stuck with having a therapist who’s not a good fit for me and having to try to figure it all out again is just so painful!! I think at this point she’s just damaging more than helping!