I did see her son as a competition.  i do know that.   I felt threatened by him.  I resented him for taking her away from me.  Especially when he got so upset that I was going to go on the wedding trip and that because of that (or at least that was the reason she said) that i got 86ed from the trip.  I felt that anytime she spoke his name that any plans we had were done.  That hurt every time, when i should of been happy for her to spend time with him, and spent time on my own doing something else with my friends, kids, or a hobby.

In fact, you know how I told you about me guilt tripping her.  Well there was an occasion, when we had plans to hang out all weekend.  She was supposed to come up on friday night.  Then she found out he was coming down for the weekend.  She told me that she would come up late friday night, then it was saturday morning, then saturday night, then it was just going to be sunday for the day.  Well It never happened.  And it turned out that they did nothing but fight and argue all weekend.  It was a miserable weekend for her because of that and for me because i felt like i was just dangling in the wind.  Then to top it all off, when she apologized for not seeing me, i told her that “it’s okay, i kind of knew once you told me he was coming that we wouldn’t be seeing each other anyways”.  God, what a D&%K!!!  It’s crazy how stupid i was about stuff like that.  That must of made her feel like absolute crap, especially since she already felt bad  and had a horrible weekend.  I just didn’t know how to deal.  Hindsight.  I should of told her as soon as I found out he was coming down, “lets plan on another weekend so you can spend time with him” or ” maybe i can come down one day for lunch or something and we can all hang out together”

I think that reasons like these is what makes it so hard for me.  Finally seeing everything i did, how selfish and self centered I was on making it all about the all the time, even though i kept thinking i was there for her.

Hindsight  is a bitch.  That is for sure.  Here I was thinking i was helping her, and i was really just making her constantly feel like she was letting me down.

I know i can’t change any of that.  I can’t go back in time.  I can’t snap my fingers and get a second chance to show her that I HAVE learned about myself and want to be better.

It just really freaking sucks that I didn’t learn this about myself before it got to the point of no return.  And then even after, when we started talking again, i still was a poopy guy with guilting in my words.  Instead of just really being a friend, listening to her and being happy for her, I kept pushing until I pushed so hard that she blocked me for good.

Who knows?  maybe that was my second chance when she originally started talking and flirting with me, maybe not??.  And me instead of being light and fun, got serious and dark, dwelling on the past.  I will never know.

I really do wish i could just forget and be happy for what i have now.

It just hurts.  I think it hurts more knowing about the man i became and how i was so selfish and self centered, when i should of been supportive and giving, knowing that I caused all of this, then it does that she is not with me anymore.