Morning Shelby,

I see what you’re saying. Obviously the thing I am fearful of the most is ending up right back where I am at the moment, if I decided to reconcile with my ex. That fear is what is holding me back. I suppose in a sense all of the anger, grief, resentment that I am currently trying to work on is a shadow hanging over the reconciliation also. I feel almost as though too much has happened? There are things that I know now that I didn’t know before and yet my heart still ‘believes’ maybe somehow it could work?

You mentioned a few weeks back that perhaps because of the kind of person that I am I need to just give it one more try just to be sure that it cannot work. Do you think that his may be it? That otherwise I will move on forever asking myself what if and perhaps that is the reason why my heart cannot fully move on?

I think you still want to reconcile with your ex because as you previously said you truly believe you two could be happy. You could be happy if only he just changed, grew up, whatever it is you want to call it. If only he agreed to progress with you you would’ve had your happy ever after with him as that was the only thing breaking your relationship. But the truth is he tried, twice, and both times was unable to. It also goes down to the lack of understanding of his perspective. Why? Why is he unable to progress? What has made him this way? Why can’t he just wake up? Maybe I can wake him up?

I am like this too. I always believe that it can work if I just stick it out. And that is probably another reason why I am having a hard time letting go.

For the meanwhile, I asked of him that we relax on the communication a little for the next couple of days as I go through my first counselling appointment. I want to be completely clear headed and not focused on the situation with him. I want to focus on the trauma I am trying to put behind me. He has honoured this thankfully and has only txt me saying ‘good luck, I will be around if you need me’.

We have agreed to go away on Saturday to have ‘the conversation’ about the going on’s of the summer. So I guess we’ll see if that goes ahead and how it goes.

Did you manage to get any sleep in the end? How are you feeling this morning?