I very much relate to that. Part of the reason I went to therapy is because I’m someone who NEEDS to understand things, I like to know the reasons for things and why things happen. However, my therapist has tried to open me up to the notion that not everything in life gets explained. He says bad things happen and sometimes there is no specific reason why and one of my biggest challenges has always been to life my life with uncertainty. As I mentioned previously, it’s all about control for me. I believed I could control most things. I ask my therapist why my ex couldn’t move forward, he says he wasn’t able to. I ask why he wasn’t able to, he surmises it’s probably down to fear and an unconscious family responsibility. But then that’s not enough for me, I ask why is he that way, why can’t he change……and the therapist shrugs his shoulders sometimes and says, I’m not working with your ex so I don’t know. He says that’s life, it happens a lot and you have to try and move forward without the answers.

I find that the most difficult. Right now, I know why my ex ended it with me. Yet, I have ya least 10 questions off the top of my head I could ask him right now. I watched a Ted Talk about this and the speaker explained that an unending search for answers is most common in breakups. It’s as we struggle to accept the reality.

This is probably the lesson life is trying to teach you right now through all of this. If you work hard to learn it, learn to surrender control when you need to and to accept that you don’t really need to know all the answers, then this feeling you have right now will eventually pass and your next relationship will be all the better for it. If you don’t learn the lesson, it’s likely this lesson will keep repeating itself until you do.  I’ve learned that the hard way through repeating life experiences. They don’t stop until you finally learn the lesson and take it to heart.

If it helps, this was the same lesson I’ve had to learn too. It’s a difficult one, but it’s freeing when you learn to surrender.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Valora.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Valora.

Morning Shelby,

I see what you’re saying. Obviously the thing I am fearful of the most is ending up right back where I am at the moment, if I decided to reconcile with my ex. That fear is what is holding me back. I suppose in a sense all of the anger, grief, resentment that I am currently trying to work on is a shadow hanging over the reconciliation also. I feel almost as though too much has happened? There are things that I know now that I didn’t know before and yet my heart still ‘believes’ maybe somehow it could work?

You mentioned a few weeks back that perhaps because of the kind of person that I am I need to just give it one more try just to be sure that it cannot work. Do you think that his may be it? That otherwise I will move on forever asking myself what if and perhaps that is the reason why my heart cannot fully move on?

I think you still want to reconcile with your ex because as you previously said you truly believe you two could be happy. You could be happy if only he just changed, grew up, whatever it is you want to call it. If only he agreed to progress with you you would’ve had your happy ever after with him as that was the only thing breaking your relationship. But the truth is he tried, twice, and both times was unable to. It also goes down to the lack of understanding of his perspective. Why? Why is he unable to progress? What has made him this way? Why can’t he just wake up? Maybe I can wake him up?

I am like this too. I always believe that it can work if I just stick it out. And that is probably another reason why I am having a hard time letting go.

For the meanwhile, I asked of him that we relax on the communication a little for the next couple of days as I go through my first counselling appointment. I want to be completely clear headed and not focused on the situation with him. I want to focus on the trauma I am trying to put behind me. He has honoured this thankfully and has only txt me saying ‘good luck, I will be around if you need me’.

We have agreed to go away on Saturday to have ‘the conversation’ about the going on’s of the summer. So I guess we’ll see if that goes ahead and how it goes.

Did you manage to get any sleep in the end? How are you feeling this morning?

Shelby,

See, the difference is your heart and gut told you to go back. My heart is, but my gut isn’t. But then again, that could be the fear of being hurt again hanging over me. I realise that I have become a very closed and fearful person and I believe I would feel the same with anyone else as I do with him now.

I suppose you’re right in saying I have survived and if worst comes to worst I will have no choice but to survive once again. I do believe that the other thing holding me on to him is the fact that the two of us went through this traumatic experience over the summer. He’s the only person who truly understands, the only person who knows the ins and outs of everything and perhaps that is another reason why I am holding on as when the dark times come I feel like I need him to help me get through, because of the connection. I do feel in some crazy irrational way that he is supposed to be a part of my healing process so that I can truly get past this, even if it is from a slight distance.

We have spoken briefly in the past couple of weeks about the future. Nothing has changed on his end. His plan of a mortgage later in life is still very much in place as is his lack of compromise – and yet here I am ready to dive into this again!

You are an extremely strong woman. You have been doing amazing. It is absolutely normal to want to get in touch with your ex but the fact that you haven’t caved into that need often is incredible! Much stronger than me! I do believe the idea of a happy ending with him despite knowing the reasons why it wont work is what is holding you in this phase. Our ex’s share some of the same qualities and I know I almost questioned whether I really wanted all of those things? Whether they’re absolutely necessary for my happiness? Or is being with him greater than all that? Why cant I just wait? Why cant I just take a leap of faith and believe that he will pull his weight eventually?

It sounds crazy and irrational, I know. Talk about a complete lack of self love right?!

I’m glad you have managed to make plans for the evening! I am anticipating that I will be in a bad way after my appointment so I am somewhat mentally preparing myself for that. I sure will be in touch to let you know how it goes!

Shelby,

Yes I do hope that therapy will shed some new light on what I need to do. Although I am trying to focus this purely on the trauma as this is what is affecting me the most, I think maybe further in the process we can go on to discuss the man who caused all this in the first place!

Perhaps we have a complete lack of understanding not only towards our exes but also towards ourselves! The same way we question why they are the way they are and why they cannot change, the same questions are applicable to us! Why do we want these things so bad? Why can’t we just be with them the way they want to be with us?! Why are we not able to compromise or sacrifice any of it to be with them the same way we expect them to do for us? A bit of a change of perspective. I suppose at the end of the day we as human beings want what we want and that cannot be changed?

We have most definitely both fallen under the category of lack of self love/worth. But we are doing our best for today and that’s all that matters!

Shelby,

I understand that completely. Sometimes love just isn’t enough.. it is a real shame!

I read that part of the book actually and I questioned how you can wish someone that you love so deeply to go on and continue a happy life without you?! I can’t quite understand this concept yet. It makes sense because you love them so you should wish them happiness at all times, but is it applicable to real life? I’m not so sure.

I want my ex to hurt at the loss just as much as I am hurting. I want him to wake up and realise what he has lost, as do I. I can’t just wish him happiness in life without me, or better yet with someone else – the thought of it actually makes me feel physically sick. I think that goes back to the idea of him being ‘my person’. When the reality is, he is his own person! Not mine!

We may not be able to imagine those days now but we have both admitted that we were quite confident women before these people came into our lives. I do hope to see that part of myself again because I was just so utterly and blissfully happy. On my own but happy. I really did not need anyone to contribute to that happiness, I just was. I’m hoping to regain that someday.

Shelby,

I remember somewhere in the book you recommended it mentions that fear of the unknown. We associate our significant others with a sure future so the uncertainty of it disappears and as a result we come less anxious about it. Naturally, when the significant other disappears, so does the idea of a sure future. The uncertainty kicks in and us human beings (particularly ones like us who feel deeply) become fearful because there is no clear indication of what that future may be.

I have just come back from my first session. I was very nervous. The therapist could see this, she was lovely though and very patient with me. I cried a little as I explored the beginnings of my trauma and now post-appointment I just feel empty. I’m not happy, I’m not sad either, I feel nothing. I’ve opened up that very dark door and it almost feels like it is just breathing cold on me.

We briefly touched on forgiveness and I think it hit me just how difficult this actually is. I want to learn how to forgive myself and accept the summer as a chapter of my life but with that I must also forgive those who were a part of that chapter. I don’t know if I am capable of having these people in my life as I go on.. that including my ex. We also touched on the notion of betrayal and oh that hit right home. Betrayal is a bi**h! And I’ve experienced the worst kind.

I feel numb. Broken beyond repair. I want to move forward but I don’t even know what that means anymore. It’s like standing at a strange crossroad not knowhich which way any of the roads will lead to and I’m stuck right there in the middle unsure of which path to take, but my legs are getting tired, they’re becoming numb from the lack of movement, I must keep walking, I just don’t know which way..