Dear John:

“why can’t I just feel that and be that way on my own?”-

because a child cannot feel safe alone. He needs his mother, or father, an adult to take care of him. Only then can he feel motivated to explore the world.

You became a child with your ex and  she was like a loving mother in your mind, so you felt safe and motivated, driven.

That feeling with your ex, that was not sustainable, it couldn’t have changed you into a happy motivated man. If that was the case, no  one would need psychotherapy, a romantic partner would do, all  problems solved! But life doesn’t work this way.

Basically, you are living in Fantasy, as if you  would have  been happy-forever-more with your ex, if only she wanted you, if  only you acted differently with her, if only her son wasn’t  in the way, and so on. So you keep comparing your depressed feeling to a Fantasy option of being happy with her, a fantasy.

What can I say, John, I’ve been trying to tell you this for a long time, but  it doesn’t click with you, not really. You keep thinking that happiness  is with her. It is a  fantasy.

anita