Shelby,

I remember somewhere in the book you recommended it mentions that fear of the unknown. We associate our significant others with a sure future so the uncertainty of it disappears and as a result we come less anxious about it. Naturally, when the significant other disappears, so does the idea of a sure future. The uncertainty kicks in and us human beings (particularly ones like us who feel deeply) become fearful because there is no clear indication of what that future may be.

I have just come back from my first session. I was very nervous. The therapist could see this, she was lovely though and very patient with me. I cried a little as I explored the beginnings of my trauma and now post-appointment I just feel empty. I’m not happy, I’m not sad either, I feel nothing. I’ve opened up that very dark door and it almost feels like it is just breathing cold on me.

We briefly touched on forgiveness and I think it hit me just how difficult this actually is. I want to learn how to forgive myself and accept the summer as a chapter of my life but with that I must also forgive those who were a part of that chapter. I don’t know if I am capable of having these people in my life as I go on.. that including my ex. We also touched on the notion of betrayal and oh that hit right home. Betrayal is a bi**h! And I’ve experienced the worst kind.

I feel numb. Broken beyond repair. I want to move forward but I don’t even know what that means anymore. It’s like standing at a strange crossroad not knowhich which way any of the roads will lead to and I’m stuck right there in the middle unsure of which path to take, but my legs are getting tired, they’re becoming numb from the lack of movement, I must keep walking, I just don’t know which way..