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Dear Victoria:
I hope you enjoy your weekend concert and that you have a calm weekend otherwise.
I re-read many of your posts since October. I understand that you are a student at Uni, moved out from your family home some time ago because “they were toxic and affecting my mental health, my mum in particular”, but you visit them overnight occasionally and you receive financial help from your parents.
Nov 1 you wrote regarding your mother: “The present version of me cannot trust her… at times I do find that I go back to trusting her briefly, it’s almost like a nostalgic type of trust… this weekend I need to stay over and ..I need this nostalgic trust to get through the night without feeling too anxious”.
Recently you stayed over there again and you wrote about the overnight stay Nov 20: “when I went to my parents I stayed over and I was anxious, at least at nighttime in which I did end up putting a chair up against my bedroom door.. I don’t feel safe there… I will be worried that my mum will try and murder me or something scary just because I have chosen to go back to a guy who makes me happy”.
After resuming the relationship with your boyfriend, you wrote yesterday: “The last few days with him haven’t been great because I haven’t heard anything from my mum as she’s giving me the silent treatment which naturally has put me on edge and every convo I’ve had with my bf has just ended with me having an issue.”
You also wrote: “The logical thing to do would be to cut ties with my family and for my bf to be my family as it were. I tried this a little bit but then I felt overwhelmed and like I only had one person I could count on in the whole world and my mind spiraled into worrying that I wouldn’t cope without them”.
I agree that it is the logical thing to do, to cut ties with your mother. You are afraid of her, afraid she will murder you, so much so that you put a chair against the bedroom door at night to keep her from entering the room you were in. She is very angry at you for resuming the relationship with this man.
Because your boyfriend is significantly older than you, if I remember correctly, is it possible for him to financially support you so that you don’t need your mother’s financial support, and will such independence from her help to cut ties with her?
If you are afraid that your mother will murder you for having a relationship with this man, clearly you need to not have a relationship with him so to survive. A fear of murder is an intense fear, how can one be calm being afraid of being murdered… so yes, have no relationship with him for as long as you believe that your life is in danger for it.
anita