Hi Tristan

What if I turn out to be not a very nice person? What if that’s the reason I shut myself away on a subconscious level?

I was once told that if someone asks themselves if they are crazy then they probably aren’t. Apparently when your crazy you don’t notice your crazy so won’t ask the question 🙂 I suspect the same is true here.

I just have to find the determination to stick with meditation as it seems quite a lot to take in as i’m feeling drained from negativity.

There are all manner of methods of meditation. A good place to start is when you notice your feeling negative create some space to step back as a observer of the negativity. Often just a few moments is enough to allow the thoughts and feelings to flow, vice becoming blocked, and soon you will notice your breathing change on its own.  Its fascinating that a change in how be breathe can change the intensity of how we feel.  “Its not the breathes you take but how you Breathe”

I’m impressed your doing the work  and I suspect you will discover possibilities that you never yet imagined.