Dear Bella:

I feel it  now, feel it every day, not as the dark depression I felt before, that  feeling I described a bit above which you said  it is how you feel, but I feel it every  day  in an anxious kind of way, this disquiet. It is this anxiousness that drives  me to want to eat more and more so to feel better, so  to feel calm. That  need I had  as a child for my mother to  be able and capable too hold me, for her to  be strong and happy so that she could  hold  me and make  me feel  okay, that need was so  intense, it never went away.

There was nothing  then more  thrilling than the  need for her to welcome me into her arms. It is that sun is shining, green is  green, all is well feeling. I was unaware of that need  and feeling until recently.

Somehow you and  I have to endure this alone feeling, be it  in the  form of my  anxiousness or your current form of predominantly depression, if I  understand correctly. As I feel it  right now, as I type  to  you,  it  feels like a  kind of a  pain in my chest  area and a few tears gathered in my eyes. I think this  is  part of  healing, feeling  it  like this.

Write more if you can, if  it  helps, maybe  it will help?

anita