Dear Tristan:

In nature when a tree doesn’t  get the nutrients and  water that  it needs, it sheds its leaves (hence Fall, the  season). If it still doesn’t get  what it needs,  it sheds its branches, one by one until it  is only a trunk, being  its minimal self, so to have less to feed and  water, and so it can survive until a better time when adequate  nutrients and  water are available.

I think that you are like this trunk, the minimal you.

I think that  there wasn’t enough love  for  you as a child, by  love I mean acceptance, approval, being  seen, heard and understood, being respected, being  welcomed with open arms into a family/ the world  So you shut down, shed the leaves and branches, turned  inside, reclusive.

The leaves are your interests, your sense  of awe and adventure, the  motivation to do this or that, to reach out to goals.. your desires are in those leaves. Your branches are  your desire to reach out to people, to socialize.

But these are  not gone completely, with a new  supply of water and  nutrients, these  can grow again. But until there is love in your life, all you want is love. Here is that need of yours being still the same fundamental need: “When people tell me.. to figure out what I want, it always comes down to this: I want to be part of a healthy relationship, I want  a family of my own”.

It is only when you get love that your trunk can regrow the branches and leaves it shed  years ago.

Here is evidence  of that shedding: “I find it hard to reach out, I shut down, I push people away”- you shut down, shedding the branches that  if existed would  have naturally  reached  out. You push people away because your parent/s hurt you. But the need for love is still there, “I really don’t want  to be alone”.

The solution is love. Can’t get that in meditation alone, or in any way, really except  one: being loved by another human being. Let’s look at how  I described  love above, being heard and  understood is part of it. This is why an empathetic, capable therapist can give you this part of love, being heard and  understood. A support group where people come together to share, treating each other empathetically and respectfully is another such love source. Basically, get all the love you can.

As you do, little by little, you will grow those  branches and leaves and you will see and feel those interests, motivations, desires, hopes and dreams that escape you now.

anita