Anita,

Forget even vacations… I would spend bill money on dinner, groceries, evenings out or small presents (like we’d go to a craft fair and I’d buy her something she oo’ed over even though I knew the money should have gone to bills) and would be behind enough on bills over weeks or months that it would finally get out of my control and she’s had to use credit cards and loans to make up sometimes thousands in overdue payments… which I would never admit to or even mention until caught… and even then would claim I had a plan to catch things up even if it was obvious I couldn’t.  Like a part of my head was stuck having to say that I had everything covered, it was all going to be fine, even while we discussed how completely out of control I had gotten things.  I’ve been in full body sobbing tears swearing I would fix it even when I knew it wasn’t possible.

Better than that now, but there’s still the core panic attack when “something serious” comes up, like Sunday.

Her anger is mostly centered around how much time she’s lost going around this damage circle with me, the money we’ve had to waste fixing my blowouts, the lack of intimacy, respect, conversation, etc that has come about because of all this.