Dear anita,

Thank you !

Yesterday my ex landlord from Spain wrote me a message. She said she has a room for me starting from 22nd of December ( which funny enough happens to be my birthday .. ). Even if it’s pure coincidence I perceived it as some kind of ”sign”.  I decided to go for it and one of these days I will send her some money as a deposit, and I am planning to move there starting from January.

So basically.. I am going to move back to one of the rooms I used to live 3 years ago. It feels good because I know the landlord and she is really nice. I guess I would’ve preferred something completely new, but trusting and knowing the landlord it’s important for me. I’m grateful for her accepting to host me even if I don’t have a job yet.. and paying the rent could be a problem.. But she took that chance. My mother is going to help me with the deposit and some money for the rent.. let’s say until I find my balance. I am not very happy with the situation but right now I cannot do it on my own..

I felt like my plans are slowly falling into place yesterday, and I was happy. But. And there is a but.. of course. Anxiety started to kick in. ‘

‘ What If I won’t find a job and I will be supported by my parents again and again? ”

” What If I realize that I like it here more than I actually like it there.. ? ” 

” But being here is not that bad.. I have my friends here and if I go back to the big city I used to live in.. I could have great relationships ”

” What If I will be too shy to integrate at my workplace… if I find any ” 

” It would be easier to be a photographer here… simply because of the absence of the language barrier.. and because I know more people.. ” 

” What if I will be anxious and I will have no confidence.. and as a result, I will perform badly at my workplace ? ” 

I hate this… I wanted that and now that I am coming closer to it.. I start being scared about it. It might be normal in some cases.. but again.. every time I am moving towards something / anything.. there is resistance.. and I seem to find reasons not t do it.  But the thing is.. if things where the other way around, I would probably regret not going to Spain..

Analysis Paralysis ?.. I don’t know.

It’s not going to be easy for me to find work there.. it’s not a big city.. but that’s what I like about it. There are a few nice bars I used to go to.. and I used to have lots of friends there.. So..social life was always interesting because of the big wave of travelers. So there is variety and there are a lot of interesting people to talk to. But of course.. I had a lot of time to do that while I was doing my Erasmus.. Because school was quite laid back.. and my internship was pretty much just on paper since my ”boss” only signed my papers so I can enjoy the sun and the parties.. but actually had no need for an intern.. So I had money from the European Union as my scholarship, and a lot of free time.. So there was nothing else to do than go out. Of course things will be different this time.. very different.  But isn’t that what I want ?

So.. I again feel stuck. If I do nothing I feel frustrated and If I’m making progress I feel scared ( or whatever it is that I’m feeling ).

I think the main reason why I haven’t been doing much with my life has to do with me being anxious.. socially anxious and insecure. And I think this is my strongest enemy.

Thank you for reading 🙂