Hi Valora, thank you for your words. I know I’ve been selfish, and I’ve been only paying attention to my needs. However,  all these uncertainties are driving me crazy as i don’t know when we can get married together given my age. The possibility of giving birth at the age of 35/36 scares me. I know plenty of women gave birth to wonderful and wholesome kids at late 30s, but it is still pretty risky with all the possible complications. Having said that, I love him. It is just so complicated…

So it seems that it’s not necessarily being married by a certain time that you’re worried about but having a baby by a certain age, right? I can see why that would be a concern.  I’m 36 now and single but I already have 2 kids and don’t want more, so I think it’s easier for me to be patient in that case. Biologically speaking, though, you’re right that, as age increases, so does the potential for complications.  I have quite a few friends who are pregnant at this age and doing well, too, but I don’t think I would want to get pregnant this late either.

So…. my advice is this…. this diagnosis just happened recently, right? So, if you truly do feel that you love him and want to be with him, then I would take a step back for a few more months (as many months as you can) and see how things go once things settle. Try to relax on any expectations or worries about the whats and whens of the future… at least for a little while. That is what is causing your anxiety and frustration so if you can relax on your expectations and worries, those feelings will relax too. Be supportive of your boyfriend and what he is going through as much as possible and just kind of roll with what is happening in your lives right now as best you can.  After several months, once every one gets over the initial shock of everything and they get a better feel for how his chemo is going, then see how things look. It’s possible that, by then, your boyfriend might be feeling better about moving out of the house if his parents are handling things at their house okay.  If he still isn’t willing to move out for the foreseeable future and you don’t think you can wait, then you two need to have a serious talk about your relationship. Right now, though, he’s resolved to stay with his parents and I can see why, and because of the gravity of the situation with his dad, I doubt he would truly be able to focus on a conversation like that at the moment and have it end up in a way that would be beneficial to your relationship. So it really is best to just try to stay calm, supportive, and see if things settle a little bit.

Also… selfishness may be human nature to a point, but that doesn’t make it any less harmful or more acceptable in situations like this. Sometimes selfishness is okay when it comes to self-care, but this is a situation where your boyfriend is going to need as much emotional support as he can get, and that’s a time for selflessness. And once his father does pass, it’s most definitely going to affect him in a different way, where he is going to need even more emotional support… and if his father passed now, so soon after his diagnosis, it would definitely add a shock factor that would affect him for a very long time and would most likely impact your relationship due to the impact it would have on him. I know you’re not proud of wishing for that, but it’s also a wish that would make things even worse for everyone, including you, if it came true.