Dear Claire:

You’ve been in a relationship with this man Sept 2017- Oct 2018. He lives with his parents and the  plan, before his father’s diagnosis, was that the  two of you move in together Feb 2019, and then, if the living  together works out, get married six months after, summer of 2019 at the earliest.

Following his father’s diagnosis he told you that his plans changed, that he will not be moving in with you Feb 2019, but remain living with his parents.  If his father becomes stable, he  will consider moving in with you Feb 2021 or so. You suggested to  him that he moves in with you as planned and take care of his father when visiting  him, a 20 minute travel away from the home he and you will be sharing, but he refused.

My questions at this point:

Is your now ex boyfriend’s  mother unable to take care  of her husband?

Is your now ex boyfriend available to  take care  of his father 24/7; isn’t he  employed?

anita

Dear Claire,

You know, society has an ironic sense of humor as it passes down certain expectation to women from their adolescent to their adulthood. From your parents to your peers to the toxic marketing constantly flashing in front of your face. From a young age, girls are told that a good ‘girl’ are sweet, kind, polite, and do not get fussy over petty issues. As a young adult, girls are told to be a certain kind of pretty, smart, but not too smart while holding a degree and a boyfriend in both hands. Then as adults, they should be aware of their biological clock so should be married sooner than later then give birth to tiny, little devils. They should nurture the little devils until they can survive on their own to which they can retired at old age. Why should they do all this? Because for women, it is a responsibility that society has create for them since time innumerable. And since society is all knowing, every woman should follow the path it had laid down for them because if they do, then they will certainly obtained immense happiness from fulfilling their duty. Yes, immense happiness. So GOD FORBID that all your planning goes out the window because life sucks, but the clock is still ticking so better get to it again.

So Claire, you almost got the man, the ring, the wedding, maybe the house and maybe the kid. But now it’s all put on the back burner because life happened so now you have to plan all over again. Yet…yet you know you don’t have that much time left so to do it all over again while expecting any results? Not possible. But you been following the plan so why did it turn out so badly? WHY exactly do you have to start from scratch again? So of course you’re pissed, of course you feel lost. You have put in so much effort only to get nothing in the end, only for the plans to fall apart. Now you don’t any steps to follow so what do you do?

But you need to take a step back and examined whose goal, whose plans you are really following. Because for you to worry about your biological clock when a person is dying means either you haven’t come to grasp with your mortality and so fear the inevitable so you need to do something to distract yourself or that you feel like you’re failing someone or something out there because you haven’t met the goal of get married and start a family. So which is it? Or is there something more to it? An expectation engraved from your childhood? The need to show the world that you’re living the life somehow? The need to compete with your friends or relatives as they start their own family?

Before, you expected to be happy from following the plans of move in, get engaged then marriage then have children and so on, but as you’ve noticed, life sucks and nothing ever really goes the way you expect. So what do you want to do? And I don’t mean what society is telling you which is get hitch, start a family then retired, but what would you actually do if all of that wasn’t a priority? Of course, being a mother is a great goal too, but you don’t really need a man to do that anymore. There are many options out there for single women to have children without the man and the ring. But if that isn’t what you really want, then what do you want?

Sit down with yourself and ask these questions and more. You’re unhappy and you’re lost. Explore these feelings, stew over them. Look for them, look at them. They’re trying to tell you something.

Good luck.

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by GL.
• This reply was modified 6 years ago by GL.

Dear  Claire:

First to what you wrote in your original post, “I sometimes secretly wish that his dad can just  go soon. I feel really  terrible when  I wrote down this and also having such an evil thought. But I couldn’t help but thinking like this sometimes”-

our thoughts and feelings are not evil (no moral value to  them, good  or bad), they  just happen,  like you wrote (“I couldn’t help thinking like this”). What can be evil is saying  or doing something that  harms, but you didn’t (“I sometimes secretly wish).

* I didn’t understand: is he  your ex boyfriend at this point but is interested in resuming a relationship with you and  you are considering the same?

I would say  this: you brought up a good point regarding his mother living  in the big house alone  in the  future, it makes sense  that  she will need his help just as she  needs  it now. It  makes sense to wonder  if he will then  choose to live with her for as long  as  his father is too weak or is not alive. It is  probably a good time for you to evaluate the relationship with him so to determine the likely possibilities=

If he is about your age, mid thirties and has been living with  his parents most or all of his life, maybe he is too attached  to them, feeling  too scared  to move out or  too guilty. I don’t know, but you may know if  you review the information you already have regarding  his feelings and life circumstances. If you’d like, share  this: his approx. age, has he lived with them most/all his life, ever had a desire to  move out on his own (before a relationship with you and before his father’s sickness), what he told  you and your observations regarding his past and  present relationships with his parents.

anita