My mother easily gets angry and upset with me, even when I haven’t intended any rudeness or arguments. She’s afraid of my brother and is very submissive in his presence. She has been especially agitated of late as I lost my father (her husband).  Neither reasoning nor yelling helps as she has made up her mind about certain things. I know a lot of my mother’s actions come from frustration and fear due to various reasons, and I want her to know she has my support, but I am tired of her taking me for granted.

I need some way to deal with this, maybe some tips on how to stay calm. I find it difficult as I dislike being accused. Like this morning, she accused me of not doing some legal stuff because “you had taken to your bed with your cough” and when I reminded her that it was my brother who had put off the subject and asked her when I had taken to my bed, she got upset and said I was yelling at her.

I am also worried for her as it’s time for me to get back to my life and she will not have anyone to vent to or vent at. I don’t enjoy being vented at but she needs an outlet for her fears and frustrations.

I agree with Anita that it’s better overall to just not subject yourself to the venting when possible. I had to do this with my own mother recently because we have gone through a difficult situation earlier this year (not with each other but something out of our control that affected both of us greatly emotionally), and I had to sort of lay down some boundaries with her that there were certain things I didn’t want to talk about anymore because talking about them wasn’t helping either of us, wasn’t changing the situation, and we just needed to focus on more positive things… the solution rather than the problem.

With that said, when it comes to dealing with all of it and remaining calm, it helps to know that your mother’s aggression likely has nothing to do with you, even when it’s directed at you and with things you are or aren’t doing.  Her agitation is likely coming from grief or some sort of unhappiness with her own life, and that can make people feel more irritated over everything in general. Any little thing can set them off, so when this happens, try to remember it’s just her not dealing well with her own emotions and it’s not really about you. It’s easier to be empathetic toward people who are being mean that way, which helps ease your own upset feelings (because it would suck to be so miserable that it makes everyone else miserable).  None of this makes that behavior acceptable, though, so that’s also why it’s important for you to set boundaries, be assertive when you need to, and when she doesn’t change the behavior (by stopping when you ask her to stop) or if things get worse, you then have to leave the situation, even if it’s for a little while. Take care of your own mental health, too.

Any chance your mom would be willing to go to counseling? That’s probably the best place for her to vent and they would also teach her skills on dealing with her emotions, as well.

I’m also afraid for myself because I can see resemblances in her nature and mine.

Some of our personality traits are definitely heritable, but lots of times our nature is all in how we cope with things. Your mom is not coping well at all with some feelings/emotions she’s having, and that’s most likely why she acts the way she does. The easiest way for you to prevent yourself from being the same way is to learn coping skills. You already recognize some resemblances, which is great because you know what to watch out for in yourself. You can change your behaviors when you recognize them, so rather than being afraid, just be aware. Pay attention to your actions/feelings and when you notice yourself going in a negative direction that you don’t like, implement any coping skills that you know will set you on a better track. You can learn all sorts of good coping skills just by Googling articles on them and reading.

In that case, I agree with continuing to be there for her as much as you can but just try not to take anything she says toward you personally. It’s likely all a product of her emotional state and she probably wouldn’t be doing or saying those things if she was in a better frame of mind or feeling happier. Even though it’s unfair to you for her to treat you that way, the reason for it is a little out of her control right now because it seems she isn’t equipped to control or deal with those emotions that are causing her to be so upset/aggressive. So I feel like being understanding of that will help you deal with it, too, because it will feel less like a personal attack. You know what I mean?

Another thing that could help is literally Googling “ways to cope with difficult people” and reading up on different things until you find a strategy that you feel will work well for you. It’s never fun to be in that kind of situation, but there are so many different things you can do to help you through it, and remaining patient, kind, and empathetic with your mom even when she’s acting miserably may actually help her a lot since at least she will know she has someone in her corner. Just be mindful of your own mental health and it’s always okay to set boundaries where you need to.

Dear StraTB:

You are welcome.

You wrote regarding your mother:”I really do not  hold her responsible for my failings”-

Hold her responsible for her behavior. See  to  it that she behaves toward you respectfully.

Better not accept disrespect, such as being repeatedly accused without basis in reality, and aim at accepting it calmly. Better not be in a situation or with a person that disrespects you.  All  she has  to do is treat her loving daughter respectfully.  I  hope  she chooses to do so.

anita