Dear meyerjg:

You are welcome. You read to me like a reasonable, logical person and I understand the stress of work, a health condition you mentioned, having two young children. I understand you were not a good  partner to your wife, that she tried hard before, and that now she is not fully there in the marriage, considering an exit.  A tough place for you. I do hope things get  better and soon.

If I was you, from the limited  information I have so far, I would back of from efforts 1, 2 and 3. I would continue individual therapy, for as long as it is helpful to me, but not share my progress there with her (effort #1) unless she asks. I would back off, like you suggested. Give her the space she needs  to breathe, better she has that space  within the marriage than if she rushes into separation and divorce so to be able  to breathe!

Maybe she needs that space, that time with no pressure from you, nothing that even appears  like pressure coming from you. I am thinking her stress and distress can be swaying her toward extreme thinking, as it  does to us all.

Maybe a vacation for her is a good idea, it just occurred to me, but without you or the  kids. Just her. What do you think?

I will soon be away from the computer and back in about sixteen hours.

anita