Dear Anita,

It is a difficult concept indeed.  I guess I feel that I AM protecting her from abuse by steering her in the right direction, by offering support, by sharing my now family.  But I also see that she is likely overwhelmed by a lot of this, and also needs to find her way.  I guess I also feel that by instilling values in her, that I have now learned, I am protecting her – that I am guiding her.  Helping her navigate away from the life of distraction, outwardness, and escapism – to inward focused life.  (not with me or for me per se, for herself).

Perhaps, my tone and manner and intention must change.  Showing her hard and tough love and guidance is not going to work for someone who feels abused by me.  Perhaps gentle support but with some boundary is better.  Clearly this person does not need to feel more battered or abused.

And in the sense that I feel quite overwhelmed by her, like the intervention in my prior post, perhaps it is better for me to provide this sort of support – as the more depleted and resentful I become, the more abusive I would be as well.

It reminds me in a way of being a parent. I don’t need to be her parent, she can find her own way – yet when she suffers and has breaking points, it is hard for me to not swoop in and be the guiding parent.

I take away from this that over involving myself, and taking on her issues is not helpful for her, and if it leads me to be angry and resentful to her, it is even more abusive towards her.