Dear Marissa,

The stereotype regarding sexuality is that once you’ve identified as something, then that’s set in stone and that’s how you’ll be the rest of your life. But the logic is flawed in that people don’t choose other people because of their gender, but because of who they are as a person. While there are attraction to certain physical feature, that is not what decides whether people in any relationship will work together. What makes or break any relationship is all the parties involved deciding to work on their relationship because they value the person and the relationship. If you can love someone of the same biological sex platonically, whose to say that you can’t love someone of the same biological sex romantically down the road? Sexuality is quite fluid unless you’re a person who doesn’t care to change your preferences.

Though I don’t know the depth of your affection, you certainly hold affection for your friend. You tell her important things about you and your past, you feel a certain intimacy with her that propel you into a physical pull. You trust her, for if you didn’t, you wouldn’t let her into your personal territory. Now, what you feel for her doesn’t necessarily mean that you find female romantically attractive, it simply means that you have affection for your friend who is biologically female. There was just some things about your friend that led you to develop trust and attraction then gradual affection. There’s nothing wrong with that, you simply have affection for your female friend.

Now, the important thing is to accept your feelings for what they are then decide what to do after that.

You can accept your feelings then decide to forget them and move on. You can try to have an illicit affair with your friend without informing your boyfriend or her husband, though I don’t recommend it since it lead to too much drama for everyone. Or, if your boyfriend and her husband is open-minded enough, you can enter into a polyamory relationship whereby you continue to explore your attraction to your friend while still dating your boyfriend. The first option is difficult, but it’s been only a few months so as long as you don’t keep too much contact, you might be able to move forward soon enough. The second option leads to a ending that will be full of guilt and distrust from everyone. The third option is difficult, but not impossible as long as you all keep open communications while being honest with your insecurities and doubts. There’s probably more options that I’m not mentioning, but the decision is yours and your friend to decide on. Go with your heart.

Regardless of the opinions of every person who hear about it will express, don’t let them tell you that you’re in the wrong or that you’re strange for feeling the way you do. There’s no predicting who will enter your life at any given time and what sort of things you’ll experience. It’s easy to expect that life will continue on in the same old way it always had, but life also has a way of surprising you when you least expect it. Life is ephemeral and change is inevitable. Don’t beat yourself up for the things happening, you’re only walking the road that life seems to be nudging you towards to explore something new. It’s scary and you don’t know what might happen, so take a deep breath and make sure to take care of yourself.

Good luck.

Dear Wanderlust:

You are planning on a “conversation .. between all parties”, a group conversation between you, your boyfriend, Kendall and her husband. If  such a conversation took place,  what would be the best possible outcome that will satisfy you best?

anita

Dear wanderlust:

If your boyfriend and her husband agree that you and  Kendall should engage in a sexual relationship because you ask them to agree to it, will you and Kendall agree to the men engaging in sexual relationships with others, that is in all  of you having open relationships?

anita