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How to stop guilting over family expectations?

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • January 22, 2019 at 6:19 pm #276305
    curiousknowledgeseeker
    Participant

    I recently invited my sis in law (living in other country) with her family to visit us for 15 days when we have a baby (I am due shortly). She thanked, but raised the question “why not for more than 15 days?”. I was quite shocked & nicely explained to her that I would be new mother & with a full time job and home to juggle that’s the best we would do.  Also, me & my sis in law don’t share such a smooth relationship, so 15 days is a stretch in my opinion & I hope all goes well.

    But, since I gave her the clear answer , I have been guilting about not yielding to her demand for a longer stay, when I should be feeling great as I invited her to come spend a decent amount of time with us. How does one free oneself from such guilt arising in situations  where you need to be clear to family /others on one’s ability to realistically do something and arising from not meeting other’s exact expectations?

    Thanks!

     

    January 22, 2019 at 6:37 pm #276311
    Valora
    Participant

    I think it helps to know that you have no control over people’s expectations of you, and you do not have to yield to them just because they’re expected. Other people are not you and cannot always see where you’re coming from or how much you have on your plate, which can cause their expectations of you to be higher than they realistically should be. It’s important to take care of your own needs first, and that is not being mean or unfair, it’s just good self-care. And good self-care is EXTRA important when you have a newborn. Being a new mom can be a very stressful thing and requires you to do quite a lot of adjusting in your life, so I don’t think the length of time that you offered was unreasonable at all.

    January 23, 2019 at 11:13 am #276465
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear curiousknowledgeseeker:

    You shared: “me & my sis in law don’t share such a smooth relationship, so 15 days is a stretch”-

    – maybe it will be better for your emotional health, especially with a newborn, to withdraw the invitation altogether, zero days visit, instead of extending the visit to more than 15 days?

    anita

    January 23, 2019 at 5:06 pm #276501
    curiousknowledgeseeker
    Participant

    Agree Valora. And quite honestly, I never thought someone (even if a relative) could ask such a question which could make the host so uncomfortable. If you say yes, you know possibly things could go wrong as my in law family has very different expectations from a daughter in law and I am sure I could fall short somewhere or may not be patient enough to handle annoying questions/ remarks. So, did the best I could given our relationship and our personalities and relationship dynamics. But, haven’t been happy as I feel like I keep brooding over what was the right thing to do.

    January 23, 2019 at 5:11 pm #276503
    curiousknowledgeseeker
    Participant

    Anita, that would be a whole lot of guilt to deal with if I cancelled the invite altogether. I have had a conflict filled relation with in laws due to vast differences in expectations, life style, thinking and education. So, I wanted this to be a step from my side to make things slightly better. But, I can try to be nice by inviting, but what happens when they are here & are still unreasonable? Will I be able to handle that? I can try, but God knows how it will actually turn out!

    January 24, 2019 at 7:44 am #276613
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear curiousknowledgeseeker:

    I understand that you will feel guilty to cancel the invite, we people often feel guilty when we are not wrong.But I wouldn’t dismiss the idea of canceling the invite so  soon, if I was you.

    Maybe your husband can help you with this, finding a way to cancel it. Why not talk with him, explore the possibility of preventing this expected suffering on your part (and his).

    Maybe your husband will see it this way himself and be motivated to make it possible for his wife and the mother of his newborn to have a quiet and peaceful time after giving birth. You and your husband should focus on the new baby, the new family you are creating, not on old, extended-family distressing relationships.

    anita

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