Dear Kkasxo:

I re-read your recent post to me and noticed something I didn’t notice before-

You wrote yesterday: “There were times my mother and sister sat with me feeling hopeless, helpless because they were unable to change anything, I felt the sadness from my step-father who walked around the house with no purpose unsure what to do  with himself, again because he couldn’t help. That hurt me, it hurt me a lot to see them like that, worried and helpless– it made me want to put on a brave face”-

But why do two  parents, mother and step father, express such hopelessness and helplessness when their young daughter, 25 or 26, experiences an ending of a 2.5 year romantic relationship  with a young man in his early twenties?

I mean, it is not the end of the world, romantic relationships end every day for millions of young people all over the world. The life of their daughter has not ended. There is still hope for her!

Why the hopelessness and helplessness?

What they communicated to you reacting the ways they did,  was that you are indeed hopeless and helpless and that they are too, and so, clearly you are … hopeless and helpless. And indeed, hopeless and helpless has been your attitude since August of last year when you started posting.

Instead of hopeless and helpless, they could have, or I should say, a set of parents could have reacted this way: … we know it hurts and we see you hurt, but you will be okay and we will help you be okay. We will figure it out, we will work together to understand what happened. Then, smiling at you confidently, looking confident, not helpless.

That would have given you confidence in them being okay, them being able to help you,  and in you being able to help yourself.

Instead, with hopeless and helpless, you were left alone, worried about them (having that extra burden to  carry, their distress on top  of yours), putting on a brave face but with nothing underneath that face to accommodate or sustain being brave, or having courage.

I understand that you are a private person regarding sharing personal information, particularly on a public forum. I welcome you participating in a conversation with me here, on this thread, but I understand that you may not and I am okay with your choice either way.

One more thing: when dealing with emotional turmoil, as you  have experienced in the last eight months, empathy from others alone is not enough. New understanding is required. Without new understanding you are like a person in a dark room, bumping into walls or furniture, getting hurt and bruised. With empathy alone, you get something like: “oh, it hurts, let me put a Band-Aid on it, it will feel better soon”, but you keep banging into furniture and walls, keep getting bruised because you are still in a dark room!

anita