Kkasxo,

You’re working. Well done. There are plenty others who would not continue working – me being one of them – but you still are. So take that as a survival instinct – buried deep perhaps, but still there. This is a rotten place to be, I know, but whatever you are telling yourself now about this lasting forever and what you’re feeling, it’s not true. Remember what Michelle and I have said before, when negativity grips you, it gains power from the more you feed it.

When I spiralled my Dad broke the cycle that day and brought me to the supermarket, when I spiralled again while my sister was away, she told me on the phone that I had to do something myself, I just had to take half a step forward for myself. So i put on some trainers and went for a walk, even though I felt like dying, even though I didn’t want to, I did it and that teeny tiny step helped me loosen the grip of the spiral.

Try and keep going to your counsellor if you can and I know you mentioned you might visit your GP too so hopefully that will let you see out off the forest. Have a shower tonight, even if you feel like ‘meh’, or want to put on pyjamas and not do anything, try the shower. Just let the warm water pour over you for as long as you need. Just let is rinse away the heavy burden you have been shouldering for so long, just let the water run. I promise you won’t regret it. I absolutely promise you that, even if it does nothing at all, it won’t make you worse.

I feel very much like you at the moment, where I need my own space. To just close the door in the evening and be myself and not have to deal with anyone or anything, but that can come in time. I know I’ll eventually find my place. However, the support of others can be so important. Keep your sister in the loop and let her support you when she can.

Regarding your mum, think of it from her perspective. She knew nothing of your struggle….and then all of a sudden in a shock announcement you describe depression, PTSD etc…it’s a lot to take in. So let me tell you about my Dad. He does NOT understand anxiety. Like…at all. He really doesn’t understand how people can’t just get up and get out and keep themselves busy. YET….he doesn’t really need to know the ins and outs of the affliction to help me. He knows sometimes I feel sad, sometimes worried with an upset tummy and he does what he can in those times in his own basic way to help me. He’ll talk and say ‘I don’t know much about all this therapy lark and why you’d pay money to someone to tell you what I can tell you and all this anxiety stuff, but I do know you’ll be ok. Get up and out and go for a walk and see how you feel’….in that way, he helps. He says the wrong things at times, but I don’t use it as a barrier to our relationship. I internally roll my eyes and think, I’m glad in a way he doesn’t have a good knowledge of anxiety because it means he’s not acquainted with it himself.

Over time, your Mum will start to understand bits and pieces, but remember she’s not you. She may not be a highly sensitive person, she may not be as curious about reading up on things like this, so we have to accept what level other people can understand. It doesn’t mean she can’t be there for you. Tell her sometimes that your sad, or that you’re feeling low today and could use a cuppa or a walk with her, that may be enough.

Plus we are all here for you and I very much care about your wellbeing, so you are most certainly not alone.