Yeah that’s an accurate assessment of how I feel.

I do have a lot of difficulty in trusting others. When I was younger and I tried opening up about this stuff to my peers (like children do), they used it to tease me. When I asked my family about him they would just say how much he loved me and cared about me but I didn’t really find out about his issues (similar to mine) and I created in my mind this image of perfection based on what they told me about him. Only the good stuff.

Deep down I know that I have to fulfill the role I need, but it’s hard to let go of satisfying this imaginary image of perfection. I need to trust myself and live a life to fulfill myself and not someone else’s expectations/desires. That won’t leave me feeling satisfied. I struggle with trusting myself, maybe because I’m curious by nature and a wonder-er. But it leaves me second guessing.  I’ve spent most my life trying to mold myself in to a perfect person based off of speculation and what loved one’s tell me, and the uncertainty of being my own role model is daunting. It’s much easier to achieve goals that others set for me; much harder when I am the one who is setting the goals.

I’ve also decided on another career path recently and will be leaving my family and girlfriend to pursue my own personal dream, the first true decision I’ve made without salary/societal/family expectations being the determining factor. This is also very uncertain. So again trusting is the root. But now I have to trust myself instead of fulfilling the role I made up when I was a kid.

I’m not looking for answers per say, just perspective.

Thank you for your kindness and time.