Dear Anita

I am grateful for the three day weekend because I got caught up on assignments and also it snowed a bit on Wednesday so my physics class from 12:30pm-1:45pm was cancelled and I only had one class which was Anatomy/Physiology II lab and it was an early dismissal- instead of 10am-11:40am, the teacher let the students out at 11am because it had started to snow. Although the snow turned to rain in the late afternoon, the college was still closed for the day and it allowed me to catch up on assignments. I am thinking of constructing a schedule that will help me stay organized with my assignments and allocate time for different tasks. The meditation routine helps with mental clarity and focus. The gender dysphoria is still prevalent but I try not to let it overwhelm me. There will be times when I feel like I’m made of paper and my mind is tearing me apart with criticisms about me not looking masculine enough and my heart will feel like it’s going to beat out of my chest in anxiety and I am just holding myself by the fibers of who I am, just fibers- the tenuous strands that feel like they may break at any moment and my heart pounds and I feel dissociated from myself and wish the anxiety and pain would just stop but it doesn’t and then the paper rips apart and I am left in pieces crying as I try to put myself back together, such is the nature of intense gender dysphoria. At it’s worst, I feel like I am a piece of paper fighting the hammer of my mind and my heart is beating because I’m fighting myself trying to create who I want to be and the criticisms of my mind are like hammers that tear the paper and with my heart beat and myself dissociated from who I am, I am holding the shreds of myself working on piecing them together again as my heart beats trying to keep me alive. I don’t want to have an energy signature of pain or live with myself fading away or at risk for falling apart. I want to build myself up and be more that just a paper that crumbles. I want to be a building that I build up from the shreds of rubble from life’s storms and create a stronger foundation. This semester has many classes and they are quite difficult with many time intensive assignments, but I am working on my health. I want to work on building my inner light so when the inner critic of my mind tries to bring me down, I have a flame to light away and burn the darkness. I just completed my first exam for Anatomy/Physiology II yesterday and I think I received at least an 85. I will check my grades when the teacher posts them on Tuesday. I will be studying for Chemistry II exam for Monday and catching up on some assignments for my classes. I am thinking of taking a break from electronic devices except to use them to listen to music for a week so I can focus on myself. After the assignments, I may take a walk out in nature and just enjoy the moment. It would be great to have a self-care week where I just focused and meditated on myself. I find that it helps with my gender dysphoria because I’m not pressured by my friends to give them advice when I take time for myself. Another thing I am planning on doing to relieve myself of stress is to read some good books and stop doing anything strenuous by 9pm. So next week I am thinking of starting my self-care week and for the following weeks, I want to spend the days where I have the most classes working on organizing my assignments and have days where I will rest. I know Mondays and Tuesdays are busy days so I will work on handling my school assignments and try to minimize my time with friends, I will let them know that I care and give them ideas to help but I will try not to overwhelm myself by trying to help them and also do school work at the same time which doesn’t work well when I have my two hardest classes Chemistry II and Physics on Mondays and Tuesdays so I don’t really have much time to dedicate to friends, but I always try to let them know I am there for them if they need me, but I need time for myself on some days. I have stopped seeking acceptance from my parents about who I am, but I am also wary of them because I still live with them and they support me financially so I try to relieve the tension between us, but still work on ways of asserting who I am. It can be difficult at times because my parents won’t see my interests or think that the things I do won’t serve a purpose in life. They think that I don’t have the practical experience to survive and be independent in the world. I don’t think they care about my spiritual scientific side because they are always trying to argue with me about different things and why what I do won’t work or is bad for society. But they don’t really know much about genetic engineering and stem cells for cancer as I have done lots of research into it and they just argue using what they perceive in their minds and if things go against their traditional beliefs then they don’t acknowledge it. I am grateful to have an open-minded and compassionate soul like you. Thank you Anita for being the special person you are. I am working on building up my confidence and not draining my energy with trying to make people accept me but working on asserting myself at times and also working on believing in myself more. I don’t need to have the acceptance of my parents, we can agree to disagree and will have arguments at times when I feel like I need to assert myself but I am not wasting my energy trying to get them to understand who I am when it seems like they aren’t really interested in seeing beyond the realm of their own traditional perspectives. I hope you have a good weekend Anita. Keep shining the light of who you are. You are a rainbow in my life that gives me hope when I am drenched by life’s storms. Thank you for helping me see meaning in my life and for being the encouragement that helps me to keep striving and painting the darkness with my light. When I feel like I cannot pick up the pieces and work on putting them back together, your light helps me have hope and work on healing. Thank you for shining your light into my life Anita and may the stars always shine brighter in your darkest times to help guide you as you have inspired me in the darkest times. May your light keep shining and the candle within you always have a flame to burn away the darkness of negativity and broken pieces.