Thanks Little Bee! I am glad we have comradeship in our pain together and it is amazing how an absolute strangers opinion helps so much on such complicated issues. (Some would say not complicated and i for one, would have never thought i would have EVER entertained a cheater!). That said, i also didnt think i would be bothered by redundancy and it really upset me. What we think we would do and what we do do, are sometimes different.

I am glad my story helped you in some way to understand your own situation. As you said – we’d never wish it on people but knowing you are not alone, that people ‘get’ it, adds a bit of comfort.

I agree with your comment “It’s for him to figure out why he is the way he is, and for his current gf to find out herself that he’s a no good piece of crap. None of that serves you or helps you move on.” I have spent so much time thinking about this but now i know he is now intending to (further) and in fact already has (with me – last year) cheated on her… it actually kind of makes it easier. Thinking she was his ‘golden goose’ was horrendous – she is younger and thinner than me – given he wore me down so much, this was hard to accept. But now i know he could have the most beautiful person inside or out and he doesn’t value it – kind of helps me to accept it. I am sorry that your ex went on to marry but that said – he still cheated – so what did she get out of it? Either an unhappy marriage or one based on lies!

You mention “raking through the past and planting imaginary conversations and stories in your head” – i have been there so many times. Questioning times, when he said he loved me – was that a lie? Was he really having a good time when we did this, that the other..   Likewise that “tiny emotional pull that hopes he has finally realised that I am THE one)” is still there for me but actually why do we want validation from someone so damaged and disrespectful?? Its crazy isnt it!! Like Inky said above, its almost about ‘winning’ or being ‘the one’ because probably for a while, to us, they were “Our one” that we would have done anything for.  I can see, with hindsight, that i did ignore the signs, but at the time i felt i was giving him a chance – only for him to ruin it not once but twice, three, four times. Its almost like (visualising) being run over – but then the person reverses back over you, then runs over you again (rinse and repeat x 10.)

I like your idea of repeating a mantra – anything to stop the noise of thoughts that are unhelpful. I think mine will be ‘i am ok, i am strong’.

I think he will try to reconnect again… because he wants adoration or a back up plan. I definitely cant be going backwards emotionally. Seeing him cheating on his now GF (in my mind – still ‘my place’ – MUST stop thinking that) with someone else – as he no doubt intends to – its somehow made me realise just how low he is.

Stay strong with your ex calling. I think you know what he wants- to play the power / ego game. To see if he is still on the xmas list kind of thing. Don’t wonder about him, if you can just tell yourself that was his moment of weakness but you will not break. You will not undo all of your good work so far.  Promise yourself to drown out the “possible scenarios out in your mind”..

Unlike my ex, i am not going to enter into any relationship / quick fling / bunk up just now. I have had counselling too and see that as part of working on my lack of self-esteem and self-love. I wish to also set clear boundaries to make sure no-one is ever able to treat me like he did again.

You cant beat yourself up about the past… the kids he had behind your back… you can’t and could not control him. But you can control yourself, the choices you make and whether they’ll serve you or hurt you.  Don’t look back – you’re not going in that direction as my mum says.

I think fate has tried to tell me for a long time about ‘Dan”s behaviour – it was a sliding doors moment when i caught him in the supermarket (warning 1 of many), then to see the countless other suspicious things..  then fate was thinking “god i need to show this girl something more concrete – something she really cant ignore”).  So when it twigged the girl at the event was his ‘other gf’ – i was not even shocked. Just more disappointed.  I didnt cry as she burst into tears at the news, i was almost numb to it by that point.  My god have i cried since though. Tears wasted on such a waste of a man.

I feel like i have rambled but it was great to hear your thoughts, do come back and chat some more if you need to – it is helpful in ways i never thought possible. The internet can be a wonderful thing (as opposed to the instrument he uses to feed his cheating ways).  I long for the day when i have a partner that loves and respects me and these types of issues are not even on my radar… x