Hi Anita,

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. Working two jobs has me tired and my mind has been all over the place lately. Is it weird that I can’t remember much? I think I have been ok. I actually have been feeling decent. I have been trying not to let things bother me and move forward. Any ways you are correct on everything you said in your previous reply. It sometimes amazes me how you hit things on the nose. I am still struggling to accept my family as it is. It is my biggest trouble. I want nothing more than a support system with them. With love and kindness. I want us to build a better relationship but I have such back lash from people. From everyone it seems. As for my ex, you are right. Find out he was a narcissist was relieving I will say but did not clear me of my responsibility. I understand why you would think that. But I realized how much of a part I played. It was hard and I still to this day do it sometimes and I have to remember to have compassion for myself and know that my up bringing caused many bad behaviors. I take full responsibility. As you said I was not a self, I had no confidence and I honestly was looking for him to save me. That is the truth. But I did love him, and respect and was loyal to a fault. He knew I had no confidence or sense of self and took advantage that is also true. He knew I was lost and played on it. I was willing to get help. I was in therapy dealing with my childhood so I could be a better woman. His narcissistic behavior was very real, it’s hard for me to explain that to you because I feel that you don’t trust that. But in my heart I know he is. Lot of my abuse was a reaction to his gas lighting and devaluing of me. It does not take from the fact that I played a huge roll by allowing this and by abusing him back. It was a huge mess and to this very moment still hurts and kills me. I wish it weren’t so. I wish we could fix it. I have grown so much but I know he hasn’t.

I have not spoken much at all to my older brother and wife. He confronted me and I had a very assertive talk with him on how I believe he is controlling and manipulating. It was deep and so hard but I did it. They have been distant since. My other brother has been absorbed by his girlfriend and we haven’t spoken. I still pick up my niece and take her out and have seen him in passing and he is very aggressive and mean. This one hurts me most as he was my best friend and the one person in my family I thought I could trust. I am still struggling with this. I haven’t had much to do with my father. I have had alot of friend also confront me on my new attitude. I am struggling a bit right now. It is so hard to fight my mind sometimes. I have gone 30 years being a people pleaser so sometimes I feel so guilty for standing my ground. I feel like people need me. I have always been stronger and helped people. I realize how hurt and damaged these people really are. To be so cruel as my ex he must be so hurt deep down inside. This bothers me.

I am in a weird place these days but striving each day to move forward and take care of me.

Would love to hear from you.

Thanks Anita 🙂