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Feeling lead on and hurt / confused

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  • #287335
    leanna
    Participant

    i was seeing a guy briefly over a year ago, we went on some great dates and had a lot of fun together but then he ghosted. i developed strong feelings for him and after a couple of months he did apologise and ask me to forgive him and said his head was in the sand /not the right place.

    After about 5 months of the ghosting we did meet up again, he took me out for lunch and then again that was the last time i saw him however he would occasionally ‘like ‘ my pics on instagram and he contacted me again months later.

    Long story short it has been over a year since we saw each other, and then just last week he asked me if i would like to meet up for a drink, i was a bit unsure because of the flakiness hes previously shown but because of my feelings for him i wanted to see him again and see if things might be different.

    We had a really nice fun evening, just drinks and chatting about our careers and life etc…. he got all deep on me and started asking me some questions which did make me feel vulnerable opening up to him as he said i do come across a bit closed off which i explained is just my emotional barrier to prevent me getting hurt, when i asked him what he wanted he said connection and that he wanted my heart,,, he had never said this before and he seemed to then act really affectionate and loving towards me and said he’d missed me.

    We ended up kissing and he walked me home to my door, told me he wanted to see me next week. He then messaged me a little the next day and re followed me on my instagram accounts after id taken him off them previously when we had stopped talking.

    Then he went quiet again, after 3 days of not hearing from him i felt a bit confused, so i reached out asking how his week was and he literally said ‘ all good, look, i dont see a future with you so thought its best to say now ‘ …

    This has totally confused me as he opened up to me on the friday evening, asking me for my heart, saying he wanted connection and wanted to see me again etc, when i said i was really confused and wasnt expecting that , he just seemed super cold, saying he saw no future with me, he wants something meaningful but just doesn’t have feelings for me like that…

    i told him i wanted something meaningful too and would of given him that if he gave me a chance, he said he didnt want to give me a chance and that he is dating several people at the moment.

    I just said to him to take me off all his social media if thats how he really feels and that he shouldnt go round telling girls he wants their heart and kissing them, leading them on and because i was really upset i ended the conversation saying i hope someday someone hurts you like you have hurt others/

    I havent been able to stop thinking about the whole situation, and feel so anxious and sick, i just dont understand any of it, i know in my head i should just ‘get over it ‘ when hes been so harsh, but i just dont understand the sudden change of mind, from being so emotionally deep which he never has before, to then saying he sees no future with me in a matter of days, why would someone behave like that, and i cant understand it, he seemed so off and cold .

    has anyone experienced a similar situation and how do you get over feeling so much anxiety and pain for someone you really care about who has acted like this? Is it just games hes playing, or will he try and come back after a while… i am just so confused and hurt.

    #287355
    Hurting
    Participant

    Similar hun, similar but not quite the same. I don’t know the answer as I am screwed up big time and am searching for answers my self. Sometimes I think i’d be better off living alone with a dog. But, love is a strange thing and I doubt anyone ever has fully understood its complexities, why do we fall for those who hurt us and cant let go.

    #287383
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear leanna:

    Reads to me that this man is impulsive. What you see one day, within let’s say an hour, is gone the next day, maybe sooner. What is true this moment is forgotten the next.

    So let’s say he meets you and makes a connection that “nice fun evening, just drinks…”, the two of you drink, the alcohol loosens his tension, he feels nice, and he gets “all deep… asking me some questions”, listens to you, feels close, you ask him what he wants and the first thing that comes to his (uninhibited) brain is: I want your heart! So he says it, and he acts affectionate for the rest of the evening.

    The next day, the alcohol is gone, and he doesn’t feel what he felt the evening before. Then you contact him and he is annoyed, he doesn’t want to question his behavior, he doesn’t want to answer your questions, he doesn’t want the inconvenience of all this, so he tells you what he tells you so to end his discomfort.

    What do you think?

    anita

     

    #287467
    GL
    Participant

    Dear leanna,

    You have a lot of expectations that you’ve developed through developing strong emotions for this person who have GHOSTED you for five months, then came waltzing back into your life, asking for a second chance to which you willingly gave it to him just because you still have not let go of your feelings for him. Those expectations did not (is not) helping you.

    Just because you have feelings for that person, you’d let those emotions cloud your judgment of a person that had the audacity to ghost you in the first. A person who, after several meetings, decided that you were a waste of his time and so did not contact you because he didn’t want to take responsibility for rejecting you, even through text. He is a an *ss for ghosting you, but you also take part of the blame because you willingly let him into your life the second time.

    The person in question only texted you for whatever reasons, but you did not have to accept his invitations. You could have unfollow his instagram, ignore his text and any messages that he sent you. But you did not. You continue pining for this person who have shown himself to be immature then accepted his invite a YEAR after little contact. For some reason, you did not give up the hope and expectations that if he’d only take the time to get to know you, then he would see what an awesome person you are and would want to start dating. But reality is harsh in that it rarely follow the stories written and directed by you. And those stories tend to contain certain expectations that does not help you when it comes to the action of other people because you cannot control their actions to begin with. You can only control your own behavior.

    You allow his questionable behavior so it’s not all his fault. He only did what he wanted and you did what you wanted, which was to accept his invite and go on dates with him, even after the ghosting and a year of no contact. So rather than question his behavior, ask yourself why you would allow that sort of behavior in the first place.

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