@anita: That is true, I think that’s the reason he kept nagging me but the truth is it didn’t help. Can you suggest me some ways I can overcome, step by step, my social awkwardness and my fear of people (fear to be myself, to say my thoughts/opinion)?

@Peter: I agree to what you said. I don’t want to try to tell myself positive things just so I can feel better about myself because it just doesn’t work. I don’t feel those things. I want to be honest with myself. For me trying to tell myself things like “you’re beautiful, intelligent bla bla bla” … doesn’t work. At all. I wanna be real and honest and tell myself only the truth and what I really feel not some random praise words that I don’t feel. I should be addressing the problem and take steps to overcome it…and when I’ll feel some real change (to be relaxed in public, to not be afraid of people or afraid to look stupid or ridiculos or whatever) , then I’ll feel proud and better about myself.

I want to not feel less than others, and I feel like that. Like I have to be perfect for them, to say the right things, to cover the fact that I am awkward..which doesn’t work… Also I don’t really care much about others… only if I feel a little connection or something then I “can” talk because I kind of care a little about what the other has to say. But 90% I don’t really care about others, and when they talk to me either I say things that I don’t feel so I can keep the conversation going either I just don’t say anything, just nod and smile. Also I don’t like to share because people don’t actually care…and I don’t want to share things about myself just to pass the time…and let people that don’t matter to me know things about myself. I am a very private person. I am not friendly, warm, close to others. Rather I am cold, distant, don’t talk to them, but also I don’t want to upset them so I am nice to them. But if someone says something bad about me or makes a comment I feel attacked and become aggressive.

People can talk like 30 mins about the same thing….but I’m not like that. If they ask me something I just say the answer not talk about it for like an hour and repeat myself just so I can talk and share everything. Also, if someone is making jokes I feel awkward because I don’t know what to say back and I just don’t say anything and don’t feel very amused either so I just smile even though… I don’t feel like that??

If I’d be myself I think I’ll come off as negative and too serious ….The truth is I am like that… And I’m not impressed by much, I don’t care about many things.

I also am afraid that if for example… I say some opinion or thought that others wouldn’t like, I feel like they will always see me through that thing they didn’t like and judge me only by that…. Cause sometimes people don’t like you but they don’t have a real reason…and then talk to others about you and turn them against you too….and I’ll feel rejected and “bullied” (kind of, bullied it’s too much) all the time just because people like to gossip and be mean and make fun of others…. and I don’t want that so maybe that’s why I try to not upset anybody and keep everything to myself, cause it would make me really anxious to come to work and have people who would say mean things to me, or subtle things to me. Sure, I can tell them to stop and maybe they will. But I’ll still get rejected and not connected at all with others.

For example sometimes, or maybe most of the times I may come off as negative and a ‘hater’. People that are close to me know that’s not 100% who I am and love me regardless. But other people will be like omg she’s so negative and stupid and bla bla bla….and like….that’s not entirely who I am but they don’t care enough to understand I’m not 100% like that and I have good parts…. they would care to gossip, to be mean, to reject me, to make myself feel bad. And people have this power over me… if someone is mean it affects me very much.And I think that’s what I try to avoid.

Another example is that with the closest people I can just be myself and react and say exactly how I feel. With others on the other hand, I am afraid. I always try to be very nice, agree with them, not contribute to the conversation to not say something “wrong” or that they don’t agree with…