Dear Anita,

Thank you for your response.  I meant to say – that when applicable, I appreciate the itemized list – of course this only applies to certain scenarios.  Regardless I always follow your thought process quite well – and I believe the feeling is mutual!

In regards to understanding my value, I will say these days I truly do.  Yet, the mother voice is enveloped in one part of it.  Let me explain: I value myself as a truth seeking courageous individual, on a path that few could decipher let alone embark on, and stay on.

But what you wrote sums up the aspect of the mother voice that is enveloped in my identity:

But for as long as we don’t separate the two , we remain confused about who she is, who we are and who anyone is.

I see what you mean here.  I have asked you many times/asked myself questions such as “why would I do this?” or I know I shouldn’t but I feel guilty..but I find myself doing this or that,etc.  I see that there is confusion in my identity, in my self identity.  Feeling conflicted, who is the real Cali Chica? and allowing the definition of CC to evolve and change as it must – with age and different life milestones. change and evolve whether it be on a weekly basis or over long periods of time and phases.  I notice that my mother had a black and white way of thinking/speaking – aside from the fact that there was no unity and no empathy, there was no tolerance for growth/change.  Never would you hear her say something like: “that’s okay if it’s not something you like anymore..” it would be instead- “GOSH, that’s not the daughter I know – she wouldnt’ turn something like that down!” So here little Cali Chica feeling – this must be true, that’s not WHO I AM!

“the biggest lie was that there was unity between her and I”- notice this very important point

I will let this point resonate – and come back to it.

 “my mother threw me under the bus, to punish me”-

this was figuratively. made sure to ridicule me and put me down and never “had my back” as someone with unity/respect would.  was quick to insult me whether alone or in front of others

“she would often ridicule me and say ‘oh you think you’re happy just wait… I  know you, you can’t sleep at night- very unhappy you are”-

what she meant by this is the following: you can do all you want, study, find a guy to marry, everything – but you won’t be happy.  you are flawed and you have issues.  as an aside, she saw me suffer at times, unable to sleep, feeling anxious, suffering – or heard about it – during that one time in medical school I reached out to her – the example we speak about often.  she would preface these scenarios.  “see look at you, all grown up still crying” “see you put me down and tell me that I am this and that, but look at you! you can’t even sleep at night, and you’re a grown doctor – what a shame.” she would especially bring this up as I got older when I became angry at her. When I began to explain to her that she maybe should seek some help for anxiety – or explain it in my own words. When I would lash out at her for bring childish, foolish, difficult, etc.