Dear V:

I read your recent post and re-read your previous posts. This is what I believe happened (and it happens to a lot of children in a lot of homes, unfortunately, myself included): you were trapped in your childhood home, a home that felt dangerous. You were scared, uncomfortable, upset, angry, and stuck, having nowhere to run to.

Other animals when trapped, caged, having no way of leaving their cage,  also develop health problems. There are studies of animals in zoos exhibiting anxiety, including OCD symptoms and isolating themselves, moving away and staying away from other animals within their enclosure as well as zoo  human workers.

On the other hand, free animals, when they notice the presence of danger, such as a predator approaching, they feel fear- a rush of chemicals in their brain and blood that motivates them to run away, fast. Once far away from the predator, they relax and rest. No anxiety results.

But when an animal is trapped and afraid, day in and day out, it never relaxes, and anxiety sets in.

Let’s look at your childhood trap: your father was “incredibly aggressive” to your mother and brother, there was distress in the home over a financial/ legal trouble, your father is chronically ill, so is your brother, you “felt rejected by everyone.. misunderstood.. like just disappearing“-

-you wanted to disappear, that is, to run away.

“I just had this rush of something last night. I felt so restless and all over the plan and just frustrated. Today is different i’m quite ok”-

-that rush of something is the urge to run, to leave the trap. Sometimes you feel  okay but it will happen that once in a while, several times a day, you will feel that rush of something, the instinct of a trapped animal to free itself.

The feeling okay, then feeling distress/ that rush-of-something doesn’t happen only in your home context, “sometimes i’m totally fine and feel comfortable with my partner and others I am confused, worried or just wanting space, all of this can happen in just a few hours”.

Even if you leave your home and live across the world from where you are, by yourself, this rush-of-something, this distress, aka anxiety will still happen. It will take a process of healing to gradually lessen this anxiety while making healthy choices and practicing relaxation skills and other skills.

“I try to subconsciously get away from him as I do from everyone else”- that is the instinct to run away from danger.

“I don’t want anyone around me and I am unsure why”- having read my post to you this morning, do you see why?

anita