April 15, 2019 at 10:02 am #289127
“can … anxiety make you tired or bored of your relationship?”- maybe it is not fear (anxiety is ongoing fear), maybe it is anger that makes you tired and bored and wanting out of the relationship.
Do you want to look at/ examine your anger with me?
anitaApril 15, 2019 at 4:50 pm #289183
Hi thanks yes I do.
I feel very different to when I wrote that last night.
where do we start?April 15, 2019 at 5:27 pm #289185
You can start by making a list (1,2,3…) of things your boyfriend says and/ or does that annoy you.
anitaApril 15, 2019 at 5:50 pm #289187
He does nothing that bothers me. I just had this rush of something last night. I felt so restless and all over the place and just frustrated. Today is different im quite ok. Although what annoys me is the fact I feel trapped not by him but by me and just my general circumstances. I’ve been with him for so long and I just wish I could spend more time with him(we cant). I wish it didn’t feel like a stupid teenage relationship anymore. It is like no one takes our relationship seriously (in my opinion) this doubt from others has also fueled my anxieties in the last few months. I just want to get out there and enjoy myself and stop living in my head. 🙁
anyway thank you for trying
(when you said discover my anger I thought you meant my past sorry)April 15, 2019 at 6:07 pm #289189
You can tell me then about your anger otherwise, the past anger, or current anger with other people. I will be away from the computer for about twelve hours. If you reply I will read and get back to you when I am back.
Don’t give up, things can get better for you!
anitaApril 15, 2019 at 6:58 pm #289193
My anger started when I was young. A toddler. I was scared then But when I look back it scares me even more. I always felt rejected by everyone. I was misunderstood. I hated everyone. I really did feel like just disappearing. I believed that no body cared I hated women and girls in particular. I felt as if I was hard done by. I think I still have that in me.
I want to tell you about my other relationships with those around me now. I have distanced myself from all my friends. I don’t consider any of them to be “close” nor do I want them to be. I believe I will perfectly fine without anyone in my life. I enjoy my own company and I do spend a lot of my alone time talking to myself and just creating senarios in my head. I don’t want anyone around me and I am unsure why. I think this relates to me believing I don’t want my boyfriend??? Would you agree? I mean he is the last person I have and he is the one I feel most comfortable around but I still feel as if it makes sense as to why I try to subconsciously get away from him as I do from everyone else. I would not say I have trust issues I just think I live the best when I’m in my head which again is not true as I know that is damaging my relationship with my boyfriend.
Could this possibly be a sign of a personality disorder?
Thank youApril 15, 2019 at 7:16 pm #289195
I will be able to read your recent post (and anything you might want to add to it) and reply when I am back to the computer in about 11 hours from now.
anitaApril 16, 2019 at 7:35 am #289239
I read your recent post and re-read your previous posts. This is what I believe happened (and it happens to a lot of children in a lot of homes, unfortunately, myself included): you were trapped in your childhood home, a home that felt dangerous. You were scared, uncomfortable, upset, angry, and stuck, having nowhere to run to.
Other animals when trapped, caged, having no way of leaving their cage, also develop health problems. There are studies of animals in zoos exhibiting anxiety, including OCD symptoms and isolating themselves, moving away and staying away from other animals within their enclosure as well as zoo human workers.
On the other hand, free animals, when they notice the presence of danger, such as a predator approaching, they feel fear- a rush of chemicals in their brain and blood that motivates them to run away, fast. Once far away from the predator, they relax and rest. No anxiety results.
But when an animal is trapped and afraid, day in and day out, it never relaxes, and anxiety sets in.
Let’s look at your childhood trap: your father was “incredibly aggressive” to your mother and brother, there was distress in the home over a financial/ legal trouble, your father is chronically ill, so is your brother, you “felt rejected by everyone.. misunderstood.. like just disappearing“-
-you wanted to disappear, that is, to run away.
“I just had this rush of something last night. I felt so restless and all over the plan and just frustrated. Today is different i’m quite ok”-
-that rush of something is the urge to run, to leave the trap. Sometimes you feel okay but it will happen that once in a while, several times a day, you will feel that rush of something, the instinct of a trapped animal to free itself.
The feeling okay, then feeling distress/ that rush-of-something doesn’t happen only in your home context, “sometimes i’m totally fine and feel comfortable with my partner and others I am confused, worried or just wanting space, all of this can happen in just a few hours”.
Even if you leave your home and live across the world from where you are, by yourself, this rush-of-something, this distress, aka anxiety will still happen. It will take a process of healing to gradually lessen this anxiety while making healthy choices and practicing relaxation skills and other skills.
“I try to subconsciously get away from him as I do from everyone else”- that is the instinct to run away from danger.
“I don’t want anyone around me and I am unsure why”- having read my post to you this morning, do you see why?
anitaApril 16, 2019 at 5:27 pm #289361
thanks for explaining it to me. I understand what you’ve meant and I would agree.
Do I have this response to my friends and boyfriend because I am preempting something bad will occur?
Also, these thoughts and distancing myself has only happened in the last year when my father became even worse regarding his health.
Thank you very muchApril 16, 2019 at 6:08 pm #289365
You are very welcome. I will attentively read your recent post and reply when I am back in about 12 hours from now. If you want to add anything before I am back, please do.
anitaApril 17, 2019 at 3:01 am #289401
looking forward to hearing from youApril 17, 2019 at 7:38 am #289423
“Do I have this response to my friends and boyfriend because I am preempting something bad will occur?”-
– yes. You have lots of experience of bad things that already happened, and you are afraid that more will happen. You got hurt, harmed in the context of relationships with people in your family, so you are afraid of getting hurt and harmed more in the context of relationships with anyone and everyone.
I was afraid of getting hurt by people for so many years, afraid of future hurt until I realized… wait a minute, I already got hurt, the bad things I fear… already happened.
Already happened.. and I survived those things, still alive.
“these thoughts and distancing myself has only happened in the last year when my father became even worse regarding his health”-
– well, your significant anxiety is not new, you mentioned your separation anxiety from your mother when you were a toddler, then it eased and returned at a later age. Anxiety increases and lessens during the course of each and every day. Sometimes we are even calm, no anxiety, for a short time. But it returns. Sometimes anxiety shows up one way, then later, another way.
Often anxiety increases when something bad happens, sometimes it increases for no reason at all.
Let me know what you think about what I wrote, when you feel like telling me, will you?
anitaApril 17, 2019 at 9:45 pm #289537
I would agree with what you’ve said. i do worry about how we’ll be in the future and when i have those thoughts im almost certain something negative will happen. I just cant deal with the uncertainty. this then makes me feel as if i am already loosing feelings which i know deep down is not true bt when i reassure myself of this i then believe i may be lying to myself. it really does feel like its never ending and i just feel as if no help in the world will ever get me out of this mindset. thank you for your supportApril 18, 2019 at 10:27 am #289585
You are welcome. I do hope you will get the help that you need to get you “out of this mindset”. Maybe reading a book will help you, a book from the “self help” section in a bookstore or a library?
– it may be helpful to you to re-read our communication here at different times, when calm. Sometimes when re-reading, we notice things we didn’t notice the first time.
anitaApril 18, 2019 at 6:22 pm #289661
Could e-course work? or should i try therapy?