Dear Dan:

I am not surprised you “literally feel nothing at all”. It is impossible to feel the anger all the time, too difficult, exhausting, keeps the brain and body alert and ready to fight,  so our brain naturally suppresses the anger, so that we can keep functioning.

I wish there was a way to take that anger out and away from you, so that it stops hurting you. Like you wrote, you are stubborn that way (“I know I’m probably quite stubborn in terms of me holding stuff against her”).

Notice how angry you are at her, and for so long: “she did things that are irreparable so for that reason I won’t let those things go… deep down I don’t want to absolve her. She needs to remain aware that her actions aren’t and never will be forgotten about, and as such will be forever present in my dealings with her. That’s her punishment for the irreversible things she did”.

But your anger at her is punishing you and your son. 

You wrote before that she is a good mother to your son, is it still correct? And is she treating you respectfully, has been for a while?

If so, making peace with her past choices is the way for you to go, not for her individual well being, but for yours and your son. The more you punish her with your anger, the more you punish the mother of your son. A punished mother makes a lesser mother.

And an ongoing angry father (goes from feeling the anger to feeling nothing, back to anger and overall depleted) makes a lesser father, and it makes your life a lesser life.

Will you consider aiming at letting go of the anger at her?

anita