Dear Kiwibunnies,

Yes, I have these people in my life too. It’s especially hard when they are members of the family. It’s not so easy to walk away and get them out of your life entirely.

I agree with everything that’s been said above.

What I found that helped me a lot was ‘withdrawing mentally’ from the situation. I’m there at that event, part of me is there, and speaking and appearing as normal, but I have withdrawn mentally from any kind of hostility, emotional blackmail, the lot. It’s like I have an invisible brick wall there between us. I can only describe it in words as ‘I no longer give a monkey’s a$$ what you think about me, or anything you say about me’. All they get is a non-committal shrug from me. If they carry on, I get up and walk away, no explanation, no excuses. They are slowly learning that their behaviour will get them nowhere with me. I am a rock, a stone, a hard place when they start on me.

It has taken years for me to get to this point, and eventually I will remove myself entirely from these people in my family. At the moment that’s just not possible, so I just keep my distance mentally and let them get on with it, and ignore them completely when they try to needle me into some kind of reaction. I don’t feed their drama, or their lies, or react to anything they say. At social events I stay as far away as it is possible to be, on the opposite side of a room, or on a different table.

I pity them for what they are and what they cannot change about themselves. And pity is a very good defence. I would hate to be pitied myself, and to pity them gives me power and a defence against them. I feel ten feet tall when I use this technique against them.

You asked

How can I heal the wounds while still maintaining healthy boundaries? That’s the part I haven’t been able to answer yet.

This might help: You pity them for what they are not and will never be. Imagine a life where you cannot change yourself, and you deliberately and toxically upset others. Would you want that for yourself? Nope!
And they cannot change either, what an awful shame for them!

From pity comes understanding, and maybe a bit of forgiveness. Feel sorry for them, they will never be happy, like you.

Best wishes,

Jay