Hi Anita,

I agree with you as usual but why does this inner being in me always have a BUT. Like yes she shouldn’t bad mouth and yes others should have been more careful with their behavior but they also have done a lot of good for me. My aunt listened to me all the time when I first got here. She was very supportive. She let me sleep over before moving here all the time. She made me comfortable. And then she offered me to live here when my brother and I were having problems. So it is hard to cross her off and not feel bad for certain things. I know she has poor behavior. Especially when she doesn’t get what she wants. She doesn’t know how to ask for what she needs, she only knows how to manipulate. That is sad.

I for the most part do not tolerate the abuse. I don’t do things she tries to manipulate me to do and I do not let her shame me when she tries to. I have been so strong and for that I am proud.

I know I do not have to leave but for the most part I do think it is the best thing to do. I love her but I do not think it is a healthy environment during my healing journey. Plus I’d like to salvage whatever relationship we can. Hopefully moving away from her we can get back to the relationship we had. But that didn’t work out too well with my brother. Our relationship got worse after leaving.

So the thing holding me back is the money I will “lose” 250 a month is 1250 in 5 months towards my savings. Which I think I can handle losing. But the space as well. I have a fully furnished basement with kitchen/bath/bedroom/living room and desk area. I will be downsizing into one bedroom but a big one where I can put a desk. A shared bath and kitchen with 4 other women. That is a huge change. HUGE. I love my space during the day as I work. I cook, clean, work and get ready for the day without any disturbance. But on the other hand am always trying to flee this house when my aunt is home. I have spent money on Hotels to get away. At least with strangers as roommates I can go directly to my room when I do not wish to be bothered and not have to worry about being shamed for it, at least I hope not. I am so confused.

Another worry is the fact that my other Aunt is about to be sent to hospice and it will be a hard time for my Aunt and me and I feel bad leaving her at this time. My family may think I am heartless.

I am having a hard time?

But hate that I never get myself out of situations when I know I should. I should have got an apartment by myself as soon as I got here. I think that would have prevented my brother and I falling out as well as his girlfriend and I. It would have prevented my aunt I going through this. I can’t help but have that in my mind lately but am trying to have compassion for myself as I was lost when I first got here.