Thankyou to both Mark and Anita for replying. I will reply in the order the replies were, begining with Mark.

Mark- thankyou for replying. I do appreciate you taking the time to do so. It is very much self loathing and hating myself and what I did. It was an affair in that it happened behind my boyfriends back. I left when I felt so overwhelmed eg I had my heart flip flopping, my head saying it was morally wrong and against my values and my gut and I just got so overwhelmed I moved out for a bit and stayed elsewhere in the hope I could get some clarity but I did not. I didnt sleep, cried all the time etc so it did not help me move forward at that time.

As for what I am getting out of therapy, my mind has gone blank right now. My therapist is really good and very kind and takes the time to write back to me. She calls the states that I get into “emotional flashbacks” as my mind replays the awful times eg like the time my boyfriend found out or that I learned the person I had an affair with didn’t love me and was dating someone else. It replays that rejection and hurt over and over. She helps me try and hold onto logic when my emotions seem to take over and all seems pointless. She has also been helping me to appreciate and notice the little things like a cup of coffee or the birds. Noticing these things felt so “blank” compared to the highs and lows and intensity of emotion that I felt during the affair- or the deep deep sadness and pain of hurting my boyfriend and that grief. But I am starting to notice and pay attention to the world. Starting to see things. I did not realise until my therapist pointed it out how much I live on autopilot or “numb” and still do now. Life either feels like a flat line of nothingness and I don’t feel like real or like a proper human, or I feel incredibly incredibly sad and with that comes hate, guilt etc.

As for the medication, I took it at a very low point. The experience of going to the doctor was not nice. I explained what I had done and he said “these pills won’t help you, you need to get yourself out of this mess”. I said I was struggling to move on from the affair and that person and he looked at me and said “people move on you know!”. I know people do and I felt at the time so weak for being there asking for medication. I felt so stupid. I took the pills for a month which was the maximum he gave me before I needed another appointment. The pills made me feel hazy, like almost hungover in like a fuzzy state where I could not think that quickly. However I was still very very sad and cried alot. I also had like “jolts”, it felt like electricity going through my brain and hands and I would jump as this happened. This stopped me sleeping and it also made me feel scared as I did not know what my body was doing. In the end it did not feel natural taking the pills and I was scared of going back to the doctor and told I wasn’t trying hard enough again.  That sounds wimpy now I am writing it. I should of gone back. I now have lots of vitamins and omega 3 and try to eat well, exercise etc. I stay away from things that make me cry. This includes most songs (I listen to songs without words mainly), alcohol, films or stories on the radio. I notice I still cry very easily. For example I asked someone in a shop about if the shop had a toilet and he said no.it was in the middle of nowhere and I felt tears come in my eyes. It was very embarrassing as it is no big deal, I can find another bathroom, but it just felt like the “last straw” on that morning, even though nothing bad had happened that morning.

I will do as you suggest and continue to work with my therapist to try and move forward. Thankyou for taking the time to reply to me and offer guidance.